Zelda - hang me up to dry

[Zelda09]

IDK what to say, really. The only thing left for us is increasing amounts of NC. I'd thought of going to the hearing to protest, but I just want to be done.

I'd thought of calling him and asking him why he didn't sign the D papers while he was there, only the paperwork to get it rolling with the paralegal he hired. Told her I had to sign the D docs first. Why on earth? It's an answer I don't need.

Realized it didn't matter what game this was. It is a game and I am worth more than games and if H wanted to change and be in this M, I needed more that games to play with him to get there. Especially with a guy who may have once loved me but definitely used and abused me because I was so willing to make excuses, concessions and play games to keep all those high highs going.

"Z, the settlement check only enabled me to not be here when I didn't want to be anymore." - said King Charming when I asked him was this sabotage, how much that check he picked up three days after that physical fight had to do with this. "Z, you don't have to sign these papers if you don't want to I'm not trying to force you...but yes, I intend to sleep with others and go enjoy my life."

I'm still in shock, a month later. I really believed everything he'd said about being 'all in' and wanting to work so hard for our M when he came home, so this was devastating for me, that it all turned so ugly so quickly. He didn't need to put his wedding ring back on - an hour after I told him I wanted kids. He didn't need to pretend if he just wanted a roof over his head until he settled his case. I am deeply angry and can't imagine forgiveness right now. I do hope to get there when I'm ready.

But I'm trying tapping techniques to process and build some new train tracks in my head in the meantime.