Hi my DB friends, I am so sorry for going MIA. I was in so much pain even talking about it hurt. So I went into my cave for awhile (quite literally - in my bed!). Cadet (I see you're a mod now-congrats!), can you link this in my last thread please? last thread Re: Susana (9) - I'm tired I just logged in for the first time in a few weeks, and I wanted to say thank you for having me in your thoughts, and sorry to disappear. I just needed some time to pick myself back up, and even thinking or talking about my sitch hurt too much. But don't despair, because this story has a happy ending...or at least a hopeful beginning...
Update below.
I had a lovely trip to romania. But I did start to miss H. I didn't text him at all and he only texted me once, to ask when I was coming back. When I got back, he was acting strange and very distant and cold. He sat me down after midnight and said "we should talk." And then announced he still wanted a divorce - and wanted to separate ASAP. He was talking about handing in notice on our house the very next day!!! It was basically like the bomb, part 2. I have no idea how someone can act so completely like they are fine in a situation (I mean he was asking me on dates ffs!), never mention divorce and then turn around and say something out of the blue. I wasn't as taken aback as bomb drop #1 because I knew by now how adept he is at avoiding situations and acting like he's fine. Anyway, he said it "wasn't healthy" to continue living together and when I asked him why - and for clarification why he wanted a divorce - he acted like a petulant child and just said "I already told you that! I don't want to talk about it again!" He also kept going on and on about how we'd stayed there "long enough" - even though we'd only stayed one month longer than we'd have had to anyway legally with our rental contract.
Because I was in a difficult situation waiting on a visa decision, I asked if he'd mind staying on until the end of May, and he agreed.
The most ironic/sad/weird thing... The day after dropping this second bomb, he said ILY (for the first time since BD in December). The ILY I was waiting months for. He broke down and cried and said he's still so attracted to me, he loves me still, and doesn't know if he's doing the right thing but he is trying to do what's right for him and he hopes he is.
I broke the rules and told him he should read NMMNG, and he did. And apologised to me, and said the book had made him realise he has a lot of issues he needs to work on, and he'd blamed me for things that weren't my fault. He also asked me not to take blame for anything, because he didn't think I'd done anything wrong - although I told him I thought I might have contributed.
Then Last weekend he finally told me how he really feels. And boy, it's crazy! He started with a laundry list of things he wants to do, but feels he can't around me (some of which I have never said anything against so I didn't know where this came from, some of which would be a problem,..you can guess which): -drugs (!!) -smoking again -getting drunk every night -going out and getting drunk with his friends whenever he feels like, and staying over at their house
Then he had a big rant and told me: "I don't know how to compromise. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship. Maybe I'll never learn how to compromise. I don't want to. I just don't want to have to discuss anything or compromise on anything. I just want to be single for the rest of my life, so I can do whatever I want whenever I want without having to talk to anyone."
So that's that, then. Story finished. Book closed.
Then, this weekend I finally got news on my visa (it only took them 7 months to get back to me after they said it would be 8 weeks!). They denied the visa.
So, the silver lining in this whole story... I hate my job, but I've stayed it in 4 years (despite wanting to leave nearly 3 of those years) because if I quit id have to leave the country. And now, finally, I have no reason to stay.
I told my boss today I'm leaving. It's terrifying, leaving my home and friends and everything I know. I've done it once before, but it feels scarier now. But walking out of the meeting room today - I've never felt more free!! I am finally out of there. I've been so miserable for years my doctor told me I was going to make myself physically ill with stress from work. Still, it's terrifying to leave my job, my home, my friends.
But it's exciting.
Assuming I get accepted to the course, I'm moving to Spain to take a teaching course!
I've always wanted to live in Spain. I need a fresh start. And I want to practice my Spanish, and I know I'd regret it if I never lived there. Well, what better time than now. I have no ties, I might as well go now, while I'm young.
So, the story has a happy ending. Or at the very least, a new beginning.
I think years from now, I will look back at this difficult time in my life, and I'm pretty sure I will think I conducted myself with dignity, and did everything I could to save my marriage. I do think H will regret his immaturity, and choosing a party lifestyle over his marriage, and choosing to move in with his 20 year old friend to do drugs, instead of working on his marriage. But I will look back, and see that I chose adventure, and a new life. Whatever happens in Spain, I think it will be exciting. And least I'm going after my dreams.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/28/1509:24 PM. Reason: Link
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
P.S. Sending lots of love to all my friends here. Thank you for all your support over the last few months, and your concern when I went MIA. Sending my love to you!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Your husband sounds like a big f*cking baby, Susana -- HIS LOSS!!
You go and have an AMAZING life, and a GREAT ADVENTURE!!!!
Hugs,
Starsky
"The Great Adventure" (Steven Curtis Chapman)
Started out this morning in the usual way Chasing thoughts inside my head I thought I had to do today Another time around the circle Try to make it better than the last I opened up the Bible And I read about me Said I'd been a prisoner And God's Grace had set me free And somewhere between the pages, It hit me like a lightning bolt I saw a big frontier in front of me And I heard somebody say 'Let's go!'
Saddle up your horses We've got a trail to blaze Through the yonder of God's Amazing grace Let's follow our leader into the Glorious unknown This is the life like no other whoa whoa, This is The Great Adventure
Yeah....
Come on, get ready for the ride of your life Gonna leave long faced religion In a cloud of dust behind And discover all the new horizons Just waiting to be explored This is what we were created for, yeah
Saddle up your horses We've got a trail to blaze Through the yonder of God's Amazing grace Let's follow our leader into the Glorious unknown This is the life like no other whoa whoa, This is The Great Adventure
We'll travel on, over mountains so high We'll go through valleys below Still through it all we'll find that This is the greatest journey That the human heart will ever see The love of God will take us far Beyond our wildest dreams Yeah, oh saddle up your horses Come on get ready to ride
Saddle up your horses We've got a trail to blaze Through the yonder of God's Amazing grace Let's follow our leader into the Glorious unknown This is the life like no other whoa whoa, This is The Great Adventure
Starsky, Cadet, Wonka - thank you so much for your support, advice and wisdom over the past few months. I couldn't have made it without you!
I am sad its ended like this. There's really not a good way to end a marriage, but I don't think he had to be such a child about it... Sigh. But at least I know now. And as one of my friends put it, I'm lucky to have realised at a fairly early stage in our marriage what an utter child he is.
I do think he'll look back and regret his behaviour and the way he handled this one day.
I'm a mix of emotions, nerves and sadness and excitement.
But I am really excited for my new life!
And d'oh! I forgot to the most exciting bit!! In Spain, I'll be in class and teaching part time...and the rest of the time...I plan to start my own food related business!!!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I'm so glad you have posted! I am sorry, but not sorry, for your loss.
Your H will grow up without you, and you will be fabulous in your new path. I hope you will find your equal out there, you deserve that! You know what 'object permanence' is for a child's development? Well...let's say it took you being in front of him again to remember anything about you or how you made him feel, for any doubts to arise. FFS indeed.
Much love to you. Be happy he had the courage to give you truth so you can get on with things!
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Train, Zelda, two of my favouritest DBers!! Thank you for your kind words.
I am SO excited for my new life, I can't wait for it!
And tbh, although I still love H, more and more I am beginning to think I can't wait to see the back of him...
*Especially* since he's become even more and more childish! Case in point: I actually just had to have the following conversation... He went out drinking/partying with people from work today (we work together) and texted me to say he was too lazy to walk back, and was going to "sleep on a mattress on the kitchen floor" of house that someone that I manage lives in, along with a few others from work. I had to ask him not to stay there and put me in danger of an incredibly awkward conversation tomorrow with this person I manage (we had agreed, a long time ago, not to tell anyone at work about us splitting up until I left the company, to avoid inappropriate or weird work conversations). I manage a large team of people and I try really hard to be as professional as possible (btw just to be clear workplace relationships are accepted - even encouraged! - where we work), even when I've managed a friend in the past I always put the professional relationship first. Sleeping on my team members' floor?! I can't even... Even though I'm leaving soon, I still want to be professional. I honestly can't believe he would put me in this position!
So Spain, roll on... Can't wait to get over there!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
