I know i have and had a role in where we are today, but The complexity of my wife, hi intelligence, low self esteem hidden behind a very confident shell and past issues, i now know are playing a massive part in this.
Stuart,
Uncanny description of my WW. During BD, WW said I took her self esteem down to zero. I had no clue what she meant at the time, but I see now that it wasn't me who did that, it was herself. While I had no clue had bad it was, I had tried to help her with it; reassuring her with her job, her parenting, etc. However, I see that I could have said anything, the infatuation of the A is what was making her temporarily 'happy' but as she got more involved there, the guilt was destroying her self esteem by building guilt and shame when she wasn't with him. My BD started with a simple question to her; "What's going on, is everything alright, you seem kind of distant"
I often say (mind-reading) that a huge part of this is WW needs to deal with the stigma of what she has done. I was so oblivious to the whole A, everyone else around me figured it out first. I was dumb and told her that others needed to convince me; and I think that's a big part of where she is today.
Also, my wife and I are both logical thinkers. However the A got her into a 'fog' of purely emotional thinking. She's a planner and always makes very calculated moves, but in the sitch its like she's not thinking anything through at all.
Keep posting questions about W in the short-term, as it takes some time (naturally) to move away from analyzing her and start to look out for yourself; which will be your next step. I think that I can help you out on some of them, especially as WW has spiraled into a darker place since BD.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Where i am at present is that i see my W actions and reasoning.
Her actions are a result of her low self esteem, plus my fixing (i thought support)
Her reasoning is that as said in other posts.....she is rewriting our marriage to help her justify her A.
My W has contact with all her x partners, didnt bother me. But i now think that it may be all part of this self esteem boosting......DO THEY STILL WANT ME. ....... Kind of thing.
I had tried to help her with it; reassuring her with her job, her parenting, etc. However, I see that I could have said anything, the infatuation of the A is what was making her temporarily 'happy'
Last night text from W
"You will have to do something about son (4 years old) he is out of control, i cant take it."
What our typical standard 4 year old, full of life and testing the limits................. Realised that the last thought was probably about my W
w has new job, "i cant do it, its to much, what do they think of me........." Again i did reassure her again and again, that has stopped.
My suggestion is that you reread my first post, put aside GB post for now, although I think it was good advice, you are not ready for it yet.
You will need to revisit these issues down the road. Avoiding them will just mean continued failure.
In life we tend to cycle, with our problems and stuffing them away is only avoidance. We circle back to these issues again and again, being tested until we become who we are suppose to be.
Yes keep posting and learning. Understand that their are no quick fixes or magic buttons.
Lots of events took place to get us to this spot and many more will be needed for us to look inside ourselves and heal.
Was your current W pregnant with S4 when you M her?
No we had been together 3 years, son was born year later we got married.
Quote:
How many children do you have with XW, and do they ever stay with you?
2 and yes every other weekend. All 4 children get on like brothers and sisters
Quote:
Have there been any other times that you or either of your W's were involved with another person?
not me in any relationship. Yes my wife with all her long term relationships, has cheated and either stayed and then cheated or ultimately left. She has had 3 long term relationships. With her x H she cheated with boyfriend before him, Uni college and wanted to do when they were on a break , they then got married. Then with me.
Quote:
I understand it is a sensitive subject, but when these facts are left out, then the advice may not be as effective.
I am glad you and XW have made peace. Did that come about before or after the current problems with this W?
Before
Last edited by Cadet; 04/28/1509:52 PM. Reason: fix quotes
Of course. 1st marriage, went very quick, we did know each other really. Didnt live together until we married. Found out quickly Had nothing in common from friends to hobbies to outlook on life. Not much money so i worked hard, wife didn't, i did house work, wife didn't and so on...... Tried to talk, but she blanked it, as if it would go away. Tried for 5 years as i believed in my vows. Then met current W through sports club, guess you can guess the rest.
Stuart,
Thank you for taking the time to explain. I understand.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
