My Goodness - sometimes I'm a little surprised by which posts get the most answers. It's never the ones I think.
I should preface all of this by saying - I don't think a reconciliation is totally impossible - but when I envision it, it is a remote possibility that could only happen after years have gone by. I don't know what the heck is going on with him, and I don't think its a MLC - but he is in some kind of crisis - and I have no idea what may end up emerging. Therefore - my goal that I am focused on now is to get us to some sort of healthier place as parents. (I should probably move my thread out of Newcomers - I don't really belong here, I guess)
Maaahty and Ahoy (It's always great to hear from you Ahoy, hope things are going well! I miss you!), Thank You. I guess I should clarify, that I don't really give two hoots about how he felt at that moment - I'm just fumbling around trying to keep D7 from being in that position again, and our communication as parents is a major work in progress.
Mozza, Thanks for dropping in as well- you always have an interesting perspective! We will have to agree to disagree about the schedule changes (although I see the value in your approach). I want to live in a world where we accommodate each others schedules as busy working adults. STBX is a cop and it is not at all unusual for him to have to testify in court, have additional training or be called into an emergency on his days off. Schedule changes will happen. Also- one of the big issues to me as we negotiated our child custody arrangement is that he chose to live an hour away in an area that can only be reached through a difficult, dangerous, winding mountain road. Because of his job, his days off (when he can have the kids) are always on school days, and it has always seemed to me that it would be hard for the kids to get up an hour early for school, then go to extra curricular activities, then drive for an hour back to his house so that they can spend an hour with him before bed time. I have to say part of me was kind of gratified that he finally acknowledged that in his own way.
I wasn't involved in the coat incident (that was Claire) although I'm perfectly capable of saying something like that. Even before reading a zillion threads here, I have been aware that men can be sensitive about their parenting skills being called into question. STBX is particularly sensitive because he felt his own father let him down in this regard. He's very capable of taking good care of the kids. I have always been very vocal about saying he's a good, involved dad, even after BD (I have more to say about this topic but will leave it to the end). I think it's very important to him that people see him as a good dad. But you know....in 7 years, he has never once said- "Raliced - you're a good mom".
Betsey, Thank you. Your XH and my STBX certainly do seem to share some similarities and since you successfully navigated to the other side - its very helpful to hear your perspective. I've been giving some thought about being authentic when I discuss this with him. I didn't like the situation but that's because I don't like seeing D7 distressed. So I was thinking of something like "Hey Mr. Raliced, the other night D7 ended up crying in my car all the way home, it was probably the right choice to make but she said it made her feel like she was choosing between us. Do you think next time, we can talk about it with each other, and leave her out of it?"
Here's the other thing - Right now, at this moment in time, I can't authentically say I am bothered by his assumption that I am free to take D7. The truth is, this is all fresh enough, that I still loathe the times they are away, and I will take every precious moment with them that I can. Eventually, I will probably feel different and when that time comes - I hope to be able to effectively communicate that to him.
One last comment about his being a good father, and I know I'm going to sound all judgy and self righteous here. Truth be told, I don't know that I think he is a good father right now. Good fathers don't sleep around, abandon their marriage, move in directly an hour away with an OW and immediately expose the kids to her. They don't take away their kid's sense of security and split household finances. Yes, kids can come out of divorce ok, (and many do- including people on this board and the children of people on this board) but they are still at higher risk of poverty, drug and alcohol abuse, not finishing school and emotional problems. In his work- he has a front row seat to this every day and he still did this knowingly.
All that being said - it's not a life sentence you know? And I want him to be a good father. I want to be a good mother. I want us to support each other in being good parents. It's just clearly going to be a rocky journey to get there. I look forward to the day when a conversation like this is not such a big deal - and I will put in the work to make that happen.
