Respectfully, I did not word my comments for her H to assume responsibility for how she feels. I said "I feel.." It's authentic. If he feels like a dog, maybe he should feel like one.
Had she called him on the carpet in front of their D7, I think it would be counterproductive, and it would pull her into their struggle.
She's married to a passive aggressive person. Read up on that dynamic. When dealing with one, you have to assume responsibility for how you feel and let them make decisions on their own. You don't word "You make me feel..." because 1) that's unfair, and 2) nobody makes anyone feel anything. However, how he acts does affect how she feels, and she's entitled to tell him that she feels disrespected.
I do agree that she doesn't owe him any explanations of her plans, and I also agree that she allowed a choice that just might give him the impression that he will always be allowed to make these kind of decisions/adjustments on the fly down the road.
If he is offended by what she says, it's up to her to figure out if how she words things is offensive. If it's just direct and honest, then it's him who should take a look at how he acts and see if his a*holeism isn't the root of his troubles. It's not her fault he's an a*hole, and she doesn't have to let him set the terms of parenting time.
My XH is extremely P/A. But when I told him how I felt rather than slam him for being an a*hole, he responded well and ceased those types of behaviors. Assuming things can be adjusted is how a P/A person rolls. They don't and won't speak up and say, "Hey Raliced, I had a conflict come up and need to see if there is any way we can switch today." Instead, they act as if there is nothing wrong (because they will do whatever they can to avoid any possibility of conflict) and then do what they want to do anyway. It's easier for them to be called an a*hole than it is to confront those scary demons and learn new ways of communicating.
I should know. I spent my fair share of time dealing with this issue in my 15 year marriage. My XH has pretty much stopped behaving this way with me because I make it safe to disagree with me now. Ten years post D, we have a much different parenting R than we did when this started.
BTW, why did you feel attacked by a woman commenting about the heavy bags? I don't get why you felt attacked? Why didn't you just ask your D, "is something the matter?" That doesn't make you an incompetent parent. And if you assume people think you are, I'd challenge you dig a little deeper. If you *are* incompetent (which I don't believe), then you read a bunch of parenting books and get some advice from smart people or sign up for Love and Logic classes through their website. If you aren't, why are you oversensitive and making things out to be something that isn't?
My XH (and I) may have made some horrible decisions in our own marriage, but I have never wondered about his parenting. I don't get the overall impression that raliced thinks he's a lousy parent. Being asked about behaviors or situations does not imply incompetence. It just means that she doesn't understand something and wants more information. Nothing more, and nothing less.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
