My WAW (I believe her to be) and I have been separated since 09/14. This is something that we agreed upon as it would be a "healing separation." This is a process that was developed by the late Dr. Fisher, as a method for healing (rebuilding) your marriage by following the steps he lays out.
In short, his process is to separate in order to alleviate the conflict of living together while the marriage is in trouble. He recommends that the couple attend regular marital counseling sessions and also spend quality time together discussing each other's concerns and desires, as well as just spending time together having light-hearted fun. He provides an agreement form that we each filled out and signed (and even had notarized). We agreed to take six months, and I was fully prepared to honor and work the program. Unfortunately, my wife didn't really feel the same.
After the first few days of the separation, I asked if she would like to take a hike together and maybe talk a little bit about how we're each feeling. She said no and that she'd consider doing that the next month. I was surprised but didn't push. Next I asked her about scheduling some counseling sessions. She again said no, and said that she didn't like feeling pushed into doing things she wasn't ready for. Again I backed off, but felt that she wasn't honoring our agreement.
IMO, she hasn't really honored the agreement at all. We've spent exactly three times together alone (twice for dinner and once for a hike) at my suggestion, but she was cool and withdrawn each time. We are well past the six-month time frame and she has told me that she wants to split up all of our assets, and that she does not want to be married any more, or even have a relationship (with anyone). She told me she hates the societal expectations of marriage and that everyone should live his or her own life on their own terms. She also said that she can be in relationship only if the other person can respect and help her achieve her desires and goals.
This is not the woman I married and I feel like she's being pretty selfish in her outlook. I have done much soul searching and personal work on myself during this period, and I can see and have acknowledged the places where I contributed to our difficulty. I see little evidence of her doing the same. She has done a 180 from a year or so ago. This is not the woman I married and I feel like she's being pretty selfish in her outlook.
There's more but I'll stop here and wait for what ya'll might have to say or advise. I've been reading posts on the board for the past three months and I really respect the wisdom and camaraderie of everyone here.
Thanks, Diesel
Last edited by Cadet; 04/27/1503:24 PM. Reason: book reference not allowed
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Wondering if anyone knows or has known any couple who has successfully worked through a "healing separation." When it's a one-way-street, I don't think it stands much of a chance, to be honest. For the past two or three months--after basically being stonewalled--I've initiated DBing in favor of "healing sep." I've taken some online courses, have done a boatload of reading, I meditate and do prayers of gratitude daily. I've done 180s, especially on the topic of communication (texts and emails), and to top it off, I've fully embraced GAL. Man does that feel good.
Any critiquing of/or guidance about my tactics would be muchly appreciated.
I think a post I made a couple hours ago vanished. I had been wondering if anyone on this wonderful forum knows of anyone who has had a successful journey through "healing separation." For the past few months, I've felt stonewalled by my wife and have begun to adopt DBing in lieu of the healing sep. I've done work on myself through meditation, gratitude prayers and lots of reading. In addition I've done some communication 180s and have fully embraced GAL. I would appreciate and welcome any and all critiques of my approach.
I tried to approximate what I had written earlier and hope I don't end up double-posting.
Cadet brought up a relevant comment, since this is a site hosted by MWD. Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, you probably ought to do that post haste, because what we discuss and advise here is based on the principles she recommends.
Just from what you wrote, it sounds like your W's soul searching journey led her to different conclusions. If you apply pressure to her now, you're going to lose the war. Read the book, and you'll understand how what you do now can affect everything down the road. No action is better right now until you read.
Good luck- Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thank you so much Cadet and Betsey for taking the time to answer my post.
Cadet, I agree with you that I can control only me. And Betsey, I agree with you that if I continue to pressure W, I will lose the war. Initially, I didn't think that I was pressuring her, but merely asking her to honor the agreement that we both signed. Even though it was written in words, in hindsight I can very clearly see that her idea of what a healing separation meant (via her soul searching as you suggest Betsey) was/is different than mine. And I can see why my asking her to honor the agreement felt like pressure to her.
Yes I have read Divorce remedy. I discovered the book and this board about three months ago. I read the entire book cover to cover and have referenced it a time or two as prompted by questions and comments made on this very board. I had lurked here for quite some time reading about other people's experiences before gathering the resolve to write my own post just the other day.
So yes, from what I have learned, I have backed way off and contact W only for matters regarding our kids or some practical matter about our house, et al. This is a complete 180 from just a few months ago. Also I have done much work on myself on a emotional and spiritual level so that I can better understand my drivers. And yes, I've put focus and effort on GAL, spending time with friends and family doing things that please me and make me happy
I guess I feel like I wasted months trying to follow my understanding of the "healing sep." Had I know about MWD in September '14, I never would have gone down that road to begin with. It is frustrating but at least I feel like I have started anew here.
Thank you both for your wise counsel. I will continue to think on it and let it soak into my heart and soul.
Please also continue to hit me with whatever I'm not "getting" as I know I need good guidance.
I so much appreciate this wise and kind group of people, Diesel
As Betsey (aka Underdog) wrote, if you continue to pressure W, you will lose the war. I am so happy you understand this concept. I have messed things up with my WAW on several occassions by pressuring her, and didn't realize at the time I was doing it.
So be very careful with anything you say or write. First, ask yourself if it could seem like pressure to your W.
If you haven't looked at and/or printed the 'Validation Cheat Sheet" I highly recommned you do soon.
I wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
