Raliced - The Magnificent Seventh

[Maybell]

!!!!!!

Nice catch, V.

[raliced]

Hah! Vanilla- That one gets a full blown snort laugh!

[Vanilla]

And I haven't said cheeeeese or Mooooose yet.

Now it's a thread party, by the Kindergarten crew.

V

[raliced]

So - still married. Apparently the lawyer lagged with filing something and the court granted an extension (his lawyer has always been pretty slow with our case - they originally told STBX it would be at least a year I think they aren't used to dealing with a situation like this where we agreed to everything in a date). I feel mostly ambivalent about that.

Had an uncomfortable week with STBX. He was supposed to have D7 for two nights, but on the final night she had a softball game that lasted a lot longer than he expected. He asked her if she would rather go home with me instead (he lives almost an hour away) and she said yes. He was pretty terse and hostile with me as this happened. There is nothing I can do about the fact that he chose to live so far away and that the kids have extracurricular activities in the evenings. I actually do my best to schedule things on my nights so that they will get as much time with him as possible - but since his schedule changes every 90 days - I can't always make that happen.

D7 cried all the way home that she hated making the choice. I know that it's supposed to be rough on kids to feel like they are making a choice between the parents and I wouldn't have asked her to do that. Still thinking about how/when/if I should have a conversation with him about this.

He's been on radio silence for two weeks. Usually he tries to Facetime with D7 on the weekend - but that hasn't been happening.

[Underdog]

Still thinking about how/when/if I should have a conversation with him about this.

Yep. Give it another 24 hours and then approach. I had this happen and this is how I handled it.

"H, I want to get on the same page about how you handled the change in plans with D7 last week. I felt you put her on the spot, as she agonized about it on our way home. You also didn't ask me if I had plans. So in the future, if you have any inkling that you're going to want to do a switch, will you please talk with me privately first?"

You might want to let D7 know that Facetime isn't a scheduled activity, but that she can always text him if she wants to do it?

Sorry you're stuck in this. It svcks. Been there, done that.

[raliced]

I confess I am still really struggling with these types of conversations. STBX has always been hyper sensitive to anything that he perceives to be a critique of his parenting (and he perceives a lot) and while we don't converse much - I think its only gotten worse since BD (Although since that time, its taken more of the form of trumpeting what a great dad he is). This is how the internal dialogue progresses.

-You need to say something to him about D7. He can't put her in the middle like that.

-But no matter how carefully you phrase it - he's going to think you are criticizing him.

-At this point, who cares if his tender feelings are hurt? This is about D7.

-Well, you care because you don't want to have a prickly, adversarial relationship with the father of your children.

I've kind of always worked under the assumption that eventually he will mellow out a bit and stop being such a withdrawn ball of guilt and defensiveness. I might be fooling myself - left to his own devices he might just stay this way forever.

I know its frustrating for a lot of LBS at BD when their WAS thinks we can just be friends afterwards. I know I sure as heck felt that way (I would huff to myself - No way could I be friends with someone who treated me with so little respect!).

Dare I say it? I think I'm almost at the point where I would welcome "just friendship". And is this all up to me?

[mahhhty]

Raliced - Thats tough. You have to remember that if you want different results you need to change the approach. Some of the reason he perceives the critiquing is b/c of the way it is presented to him...

Have you tried a more validating response? Just a first take.

X - I don't know what it was like for you when D choose to go to my house after the game, but I do know you were hurt by it. For that I am Sorry. This is hard for me to write, but I hope it finds you with an open mind. I think our job at this point is to do the best we can and understand how our best impacts the kids. I know I haven't been doing my best and can do better. It is important that our children have their mother and father in the picture and it is important that we try to reinforce those relationships. It is in that light, that I am reaching out to you. D cried all the way home after making that decision, she knew she had hurt you, and I know you were hurt too. I am not sure of the different responses for that situation, but I can try to think of some and collaborate with you.

[Ahoy]

raliced, if he didn't want her to go to your house, then why did he ask her. It sounds very childish to me. It is putting her in the middle, and anything you say to him will be taken as criticism. The best you can do, most likely, is work with D7 and validate her feelings and needs without criticizing him.

I'm in the same boat. It's hard to hear about the poor parenting choices and relationship strain that my H is putting on my D14, but it's no longer anything I can do anything about. I try to help her through her feelings and give her tools to express her feelings to her father. Like when she finds a present she handmade for him in the garbage can. Or gets yelled at for being scared to ride her oversized new bike on a busy city street next to an 18 wheeler. All I can do is encourage her to speak up for herself and keep the lines of communication open with her father as best she can. And communicate her needs, even if it falls on deaf ears. It's the hardest part.

[Underdog]

r-I get the internal dialog. I really do.

BUT (don't you love that word?)...

You don't need to absorb how he interprets what you say. Be authentic. Use "D felt that... and I felt that... " phrases, which own how you feel without attacking him. If you think that leaving D7 out of the conversation altogether would be better, than you can suck it up and say, "I felt hurt by your disregard when you asked if D7 wanted to change plans. I had plans, and that affected me, and I'd appreciate it if you talked to me privately before you sprung that on me. And I promise that I'll try not to do the same to you, okay?"

Let him know that you are on to him. After all, if YOU had done this, he'd have chapped your ass... right?

[Mozza]

Here comes Silent Bob — as in: I try to resolve everything with WW with as little communication as possible. How can we do it in this case?

Do not allow any changes to the schedule. D7 was given a choice because you allowed it, because your STBX assumed that you would allow it. I don't care if it was late, if you start introducing this kind of flexibility, the whole thing becomes a mess. With me, the home rules are as reliable as the laws of physics. They apply all the time, no negotiation, no doubt. This is how we end up planning around them. So your STBX could have prepared the car before the end of the game to leave earlier. He could consider adjusting the schedule so that these things would not happen. But he could not assume that things can be adjusted at the last minute.

By the way, it may sound harsh, but it's actually a much gentler approach in the long run because you avoid all these confrontations, the compromises that are frustrating or rejected.

More concretely, I would only tell STBX, in person: "I don't want these last minute changes to the schedule anymore. They're no good for her and me." Period. No more talking. No explaining why. Nothing about the crying, your plans, etc. I think the more you explain, the more you make it sound like criticism.

- Silent Bob

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EDIT: Was it to you, raliced, that I wrote a few months ago about the coat incident where your STBX was offended by a comment you made? Like all fathers, I'm also hypersensitive to criticism. At the grocery store last week, a grandma told me that the bag of D7 was too heavy for her. I looked at the woman in the eyes, clenched my teeth, took a deep breath, and gave her a sharp "Thank. You." It was the best I could muster, other than "Do you want to raise her?" Read around these boards: all fathers are sensitive about this criticism because people assume we're incompetent by default. So I would definitely not like to be told what Underdog is suggesting. This is laying it thick about how I'm hurting everyone's feelings. Don't make it a big deal, just enforce a boundary. Don't ask him to validate the hurt you and D7 are feeling. Don't overexplain. The schedule is the schedule.