Another WW/WAW, Need Guidance

[Winhamn]

I hope you take that letter to heart, and look at it from a solution oriented point of view.

I can see phrases from DR in your posts, so you must have read the book.

I would suggest you spend some time really writing down an action plan for what sort of things you are going to do to show your wife these things. Start with goals, the same way DR does.

Actually, let me step back, have you actually wrote out the exercises in DR, such as what your goals are, how you can measure progress, etc?

I didn't get a chance to read your whole story - but just wanted to let you know that I also suffered from depression which was a major contributing factor to the downfall of my marriage, as I was completely unable to respond in a positive way to my wife when she gave me the warning signs. I feel a lot of shame and guilt about that.

[sandi2]

Jas, why did you continue to sleep on the couch?

[JAS84]

Win,

I have read the book about 6 times now, and re-read chapters daily.

I have written and re-written the exercises as the situation evolved, and am now down to a VERY short list.

Basically, she is out of the house, and comms are limited to good-night calls to S4. I will be happy and upbeat during those very brief contacts, and a marker of progress is that she will speak to me beyond that purpose, for anything, good or bad.

I am now in a phase of dim/dark and LRT, to work on me, and my relationship with S4. This is also to pull back and create a "loss" referenced by sandi2 in the WW/LBS threads. I will not initiate contact, except for good-night calls to S4 when he is with W.

I had a lot more going on than depression, but it all funneled into the depression, if that makes sense? Letting go of the shame and guilt is one of the first steps I had to take in order to move to an external point of view on my situation. It has helped TREMENDOUSLY. IC has helped with that. Shame and guilt for past actions have to be let go in order to move forward. Otherwise, you will find yourself dragged back to square one anytime there is a trigger.

[JAS84]

Sandi,

I continued to sleep on the couch for multiple reasons, some communicated to W, some not.

Couch was more comfortable than bed for my ever-expanding waist (read: fat @$$). Couch was more convenient due to falling asleep watching TV at night. Couch was self-punishment for my indulgence in pornography, and the resulting shame and guilt from that.

I did not sleep on the couch the ENTIRE time, as the letter would indicate. I admit that over the course of the marriage, though, that about 35-40% of the time was spent on the couch. The main problem is that these were extended periods of weeks and months.

We had purchased a bed during the M, and it was comfortable at first. My nearly 300-pound body quickly wore out my side, though, and it became just as uncomfortable as the last one. I was ashamed to admit this, and as such, this was another reason i took to the couch.

[JAS84]

Journaling:

W called right at 8pm for the good night call to S4. They talked about his day, about how she misses him and loves him, and 90 seconds later, done.

Didn't expect anything more or less.

[Winhamn]

Are you taking care of yourself?

[JAS84]

Hi Win,

Yes, I am taking care of myself, more than ever before! I have lost nearly 60 pounds since BD, am getting exercise whenever I can (brisk walks while at work, for example), am quitting smoking cigarettes, working on cleaning up around the house, then will move to outside projects.

Spending time with friends and family whenever possible, as well as having quality time with S4.

It is all contributing to a much better mindset, and I am in a much better place. Not great, but MUCH better.

Side-note: Doing everything is difficult, but I am finding it more rewarding than I thought I ever would.

[JAS84]

Having a GOOD day today! Feel accomplished as I was able to provide some feedback on a couple other threads, and as I was typing, I realized some of my own feelings and views.

That may sound weird, but I have a certain connection between my brain and my hands: An open and honest channel, if you will.

I only wish some of these words would find their way to my mouth every once in a while.

[u-turn]

Side-note: Doing everything is difficult, but I am finding it more rewarding than I thought I ever would.

I have found this to be very rewarding too. This helped me realize that I didn't need W, still wanted her, but didn't need. This also took pressure off of W too - some of our troubles were because of this co-dependent need.

I don't know how W feels about this - I sometimes think she feels like she has been replaced by nothing and now is resentful of that.

It sounds like you are doing well with S4. Keep it up. Any plans while S4 is with your W?

[JAS84]

Lawn and flowerbed care are planned as long as the weather is good. Plenty of cleaning and decorating to do on the inside. Can't stand the bare walls.

Otherwise, will probably get together with friends in the evenings, and work on my social skills.