Nole_Girl (1) Intro

[NoleGrl]

You mention you've read a lot of books and have grown a lot. For me I find it useful to talk about the breakthroughs I'm having, the changes I'm making, the things I see differently. It's a positive log of progress I can go back to, and hold myself accountable to. I'd love for you to share some of the things you are working on now and how that's going.

I'm not sure I ever said I've grown a lot. I mentioned some of the things I have been doing since this started like reading, doing a 12 week study "What is it like to be married to me", seeing my C twice a month, GALing. The problem is "in real life" (aka outside of my marriage) I am a pretty easy going, calm, even keeled person. I am very organized and like to have a plan, but I generally don't have to control that plan if that makes sense. And to a certain extent, I was like that in my marriage. But I think the anger towards H for cheating on me a year into our marriage took over. And then it was like every little thing H did was a bigger issue to me. It may have been a little issue, but to me it was part of a bigger issue and it just built up until it came out in an outburst. I digress....I'm not writing this to blame, just kinda putting out there where I think my issues come from.

Anyway, anger is not a problem outside my marriage. I don't yell at my family, friends or co-workers. Ever. So, some of the growth is digging down and trying to figure out why I am so angry with H and how to deal with that in a more healthy way. And it's hard because I am still angry with him, now for leaving and not honoring his vows and just giving up on our marriage. But by recognizing my part in it and working with my C I am starting to let that go. Really trying to forgive him for his part in all this. So I think that is a little growth (though when he is pushing my buttons it is really hard to control those emotions).

Sorry if this was rambling and I'm still not sure I answered your question fully.