Ellie- Amen, sista! I do want to be totally detached. TOTALLY! Something.... something is still keeping me attached. Not totally... but there is something underlying... in the background- hidden. I don't worry about what he's doing. I've released him from my mind to go live his life. I want to be free... but there is that small percentage that lingers. Often unnoticed. I wonder if that truly ever goes away?

I think just seeing him drive by again yesterday messes with me a little. Not that it bothers me. It just makes my brain start thinking like, why does he want to check? Why did he make those decision? I'm better off not thinking. Because my brain is still processing. But then, it is changing in the way I think, too. I am putting him- his actions- into a different category. Maybe he wants to see if I'm where he left me and that makes him feel better? Well who knows, minder-reader I am... but I don't care. It only motivates me to say, NO you F'ER! I'm not, and you will see that, too!

But the putting him in a different category is also seeing him purely for his actions. ICK!

I feel like he is sooooooooooooooo far gone!

uR. You are right. I do blame myself for things. And I know I should have handled things so differently when he came around. Things rubbed me the wrong way... but for some stupid reason, I believed when he said he would never do that to me again and I had nothing to worry about, and that he wouldn't leave me again. He would never hurt me again. Honestly, I think he would have moved right in if I mentioned it. I think that's what he wanted. It wouldn't have worked. Not well. I knew that. But, I think I had belief that he wanted to work towards our m and, well.... said he would do whatever it takes... so maybe I felt a little too secure in that and... probably let loose a little more than I should have. I mean, I think I did OK, sometimes I was awesome! Especially at first. When the baby came, I was pretty dang strong for him that week. It tested me, for sure.
But I know when things changed. She went home on Friday. Paternity test still wasn't done. That Sunday, xh had plans w the kids. Hww called him Sunday morning to tell him that she was taking her son to visit his dad and her mom was going to watch the baby (First problem I had- why call him that morning- why last minute????) XH said, "Absolutely not!" He was going to watch the baby. So, what do you think he did? He called me to tell the kids he couldn't make it. He canceled his plans w them- bc hww called last minute and he rushed there. Everything-everyone-dropped for them. I didn't make a big deal about it. But, later I voiced my concern. But it was a huge red flag for me. And- that's the way it always was. And- that's the way it continues to be.

So Fukk 'em.

And, well.... there you have it. I don't want to play the drama games they do.

I really have mentally checked out. Emotionally... I'm almost there. WEll.... as far as detachment. I mean.. the other emotional stuff still has a journey. The morning of my family's loss and that stuff.

So. What am I gon' do? Well, I'm on the road to recovery. I still need support. I don't know why. Lots of things are falling into place. Things with work, with my kids... and a contractor came today to do some work on the house!!! Raise the roof!

But... d14 got a concussion tonight at her game... but was still able to get a hat trick, too!

Thanks for keeping it real, girls. He's on his own, as far as I'm concerned. I think he wanted me to do the work for him. That was a huge part of it. He just can't right now, and he needs someone to do it. I wasn't going to pick that up. I though he'd do it on his own... but he truly didn't have the strength. And, honestly, I don't know if he ever will. He's not emotionally strong, nor mature enough. He has always had a disposable mentality. About everything. Didn't think i'd be us... but, hey, nothing is safe. Nothing is sacred. Ah, well.... I'm better off then, right? So sad for him. I've gotta keep it moving.