hold on! - 9

[u-turn]

Thanks Peter - It seems so easy, doesn't it? Throw away all of the current things that are not allowing us to work on the marriage, and then work on the connection and marriage. W just doesn't see it that way. I think now that she is hung up on forgiveness. She doesn't believe that I can forgive her - and we have not talked about that in a very long time.

Are forgiveness and trust the same thing? I don't think so. I feel that forgiveness is easy for me, but trust is not turning out to be that way - especially when trust is solely based on my forgetting and moving forward.

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Thanks Bob, I have been digging into the self-judgement lately. I didn't even realize that I was doing that. I still don't really understand it much and maybe I am oversimplifying it, but I have always critiqued and evaluated my work and my skills, I thought I needed to do that to have constant improvement. I know I have been known to beat myself up over mistakes - enough to cause alarm to people that know me. I have grown beyond that, but still am probably a little overcritical with myself. I do not expect perfection from others - I believe (I have had problems with thinking that I need to fix other peoples mistakes though - maybe that is controlling).

Sorry that was rambling (clearly not a perfectionist when it comes to writing/communicating - only doing)

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Not too much has changed here for the most part. I stayed very busy working this weekend, (had a couple client meeting which are a lot of work to prepare form but make me feel good (people pleasing)), kids were busy doing there own things, and W mostly hung around the house.

Out of the blue this morning, W told me "we will both be ok" - I didn't know where this was coming from.

I said that "I know we will. What you need and what I need are not meshing right now."

She asked what I needed - I told her "I need confidence in us. I already told you what I needed". - I think she understood (NC, Letter, Transparency). She walked away and said that "you have already made your decision".

She is clearly not going to provide what I asked for a couple weeks ago. She knows that I don't trust her and that is not improving by ignoring the situation and nicing our way back. Not giving me something like this is not helping us work toward R - if that is still her intention. I really think that she believes this is about forgiveness and not trust - but I am not sure.

I am really confused by her interaction this morning, but don't know if I should try to ask her about it.