Focusing on what works

[rob123]

I need to stay focused on what works and not backslide into what doesn't work.

It's been difficult lately.... last week and her returning home, I have felt myself getting too wrapped in her. She gave me a little bit of hope and I freaked out a bit. Unfortunately, I didn't do a good job putting the breaks on myself. I should have kept calm and carried on.

I know what you mean regarding the backsliding. My wife told me twice last week that she loved me (we are still in the same house and bed). This gave me renewed hope, unfortunately lifted my expectations and probably caused me to backslide, all because she was giving me a few crumbs. Now, no real words of affection in several days, and I feel nearly as crushed at DDay.

It is very easy to attempt to use anything our spouse does or says during these turbulent times to justify actions that we make. Well, she told me she loves me so our R is saved. Or, she told me she hates me so our R is over. She looked at me and smiled at me, so our R is saved. She didn't say goodbye to me today, so our R is over.

I played this game for about 2 weeks until I realized that DBing is not simply about saving my M, but more importantly about making myself a better partner. Preparing myself, either after D or if M is saved, to be happy with myself. There was a time early on where my wife hugged me and gave me a kiss and I thought everything was OK. Next day, she was back to being cold and unengaged. I know exactly what you mean about being crushed. I just could not understand.

I then realized that I had to quit making my happiness hinge upon my W. I have, and continue to, question where the strong and independent person I was has went to. I believe that getting married and having kids can transform an independent person into the person who relies upon the M and the kids to make us happy. Don't get me wrong, I still love my kids and love my W, but it is healthy to have other things in our lives that bring us happiness.

My opinion is that happy couples are happy because they are able to make themselves happy and are supported by their partners to do just that. In life, moderation is a good thing. Including being with your W.

I believe, in my case, I got to the point where my W could not keep the kids (school, clinicals, etc.) so much that I incorrectly assumed that I could never leave the house to do things that I really wanted to do with friends. It is a very weird dynamic when that happens. I'm not sure WTF I was thinking at the time.

I'm still new in this process, but the past 4 weeks I have went out with friends, just taken the kids by myself to places without the W and did things that I enjoyed. Rather than sit at the house being ticked off I wasn't doing anything, I have just went out and started doing things. I haven't always had the best time because of the thoughts in my head, but I am slowly getting better on focusing on the here and now rather than focus on what my W is thinking or if she is happy.