Focusing on what works

[Closer2]

Closer

This is a situation still very early on it its development.

I am sure you have read Sandi's posts about WW and their thnking and actions. That's what you have on your hands.

You sound very passive in your posts - sorry to be blunt. My suggestion is to toughen up - A LOT.

Have you stated your boundry to your wife "I will not live in an open marriage"? Has she moved out? If not, she needs to ASAP. If she has not, I would set her stuff outside of the marital bedroom. I would not let her in and out to drop clothes off etc... Once she is out, she is OUT.

You have an attorney? Tell him/her to slow this down if you want to. They can easily delay while you get your emotions and a plan under control.

#1. Stop all and any pursuit - no calls, no texts, no messages.
#2. Make her leave - do you own or rent - whose name is on deed?
#3. Schedule kids activities on spread sheet - don't talk to her about it, just follow the spread sheet. Only talk about emergencies about kids.

#4. Toughen up - make her respect you. Any engagement with her is distance, cordial but very very distant.

#5. Cut her off financially. Cut her off of the bank account and all credit cards. Cut off her cell phone. Who cares if she does't have a job, her problem not yours. She can open up her own accounts. She should pull up her big girl panties. If she doesn't have a job she can move in her parents or AP because she won't have money for an apartment? Again, not your problem.

You have time to turn this around. Toughen up!! make her respect you.

Hey HeavyD,

Thanks for reading. I've been following your thread. You're tough and doing a great job. I totally respect your focus and resolve.

My situation isn't really fresh. D-Day was in December and the divorce should be final this week. The only thing that is fresh is my discovery of the PA. She has been lying since D-day. D-day she told me there was no one else. On NYE I discovered there was someone else. She lied and told me it was a EA only. About a 2 weeks ago I discovered it has been a PA/EA since Oct.

I stated boundaries early on. She doesn't care about crossing boundaries. She tells me she does, but I can tell they're a joke to her.

Kicking her out of the house hurts the kids. It was very hard on them when I did a few weeks ago.

1. Done
2. Own. Working on getting the house ready to sell. Both names on the deed.
3. Will do.
4. Toughen up - I was detached for years, that's part of the reason for the D. I have lost much of my hard edge and it is making this D more difficult to deal with. I agree I need to be tough in that I don't let her actions have an effect on me. I don't see the point in be tough to punish her.
5. I cut her off financially. I pay her back for expenses relating to the kids. She tries to sneak stuff past me like gas, tolls, etc. Her mom pays her phone and has since Dec. Her mom gives her money almost weekly. Soon I will be giving her child support. She contributes zero to the family finances, bills, mortgage. She will be living rent free with her mother after the house is sold. OM is a few hours away. Decree has a morality clause and she can't move the kids that far.