Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I have always thought he was just easy going. Turns out he was harbouring resentments, but never said and just let them build up.
Yeah, funny thing was she wasn't that easy going. She was opinionated and usually said exactly what she wanted, which is why I thought everything was okay. I guess that was until it came to conflict itself. Simple, dumb stuff but if I didn't agree with her position, we would talk through it, but then it seems like she would back down and then just tell me what I wanted to hear. Harboring the resentment of the 'compromise'
We had always talked through things that way in the past, but at some point this communication technique changed without me realizing it. Maybe it was kids or the A, I don't know.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
The nights are my darkest time, but I have time to think. So a thought, or question, not sure which?
The Fog! does it crack, shift, move due to what the LBS does or does not do,in more cases than not or is it just an internal awakening, call it "Chance"
I have read about it, but what are the best examples of it on here. Im sure you may say every case is different. however I assume after years of counselling and outcomes on this site there must be data or a percentage that it does or does not work on.
The Fog! does it crack, shift, move due to what the LBS does or does not do,in more cases than not or is it just an internal awakening, call it "Chance"
I have read about it, but what are the best examples of it on here. Im sure you may say every case is different. however I assume after years of counselling and outcomes on this site there must be data or a percentage that it does or does not work on.
You bring up a interesting point, but would you believe we seldom know the outcome here on the site? Maybe that's why there is no data or percentages here (that I know about), b/c most people leave the board without us ever knowing the outcome. It is very frustrating! I do admit, however, I mainly stay around the Newcomers section. And of course, there are many who do go on to get divorced and will go over to that section of the board to support each other, as well as help newcomers.
To answer the first part, yes I believe a lot of how long the fog continues depends upon the actions of the LBS. If the LBS enables the A, or cake eating, and /or financially supporting whatever she wants....things could continue for quite some time. He can't afford to lay down and be her doormat while she treats him so badly. He has to get her respect and attraction by showing her he is more Rhett Butler instead of Peewee Herman.
I do not agree with some who have the attitude of just hanging on till the A ends. My question is what do they have once it's over? Their self-esteem is shot, the respect is gone, and forget trusting. You have all kinds of issues facing you, but mainly a WAS who is not attracted to you and cannot see having feelings for you again. I think it is a tragedy for a man to do nothing at all but wait and hope things work out for the best. They seldom do, when no actions are applied. It takes hard work for things to work out for the best. I hope this is not misunderstood by some readers, b/c many come here wanting a magic formula that will switch the WW back to her old self again, and it doesn't work that way. In other words, even doing every right move under the sun would still take a little time for her to shake the fog. She didn't get there over night, and usually won't find her way completely back over night, either.
I believe timing plays a huge part in these situations. I believe tough love is necessary when the S is wayward. I believe the dynamics have to change in order for the fog to crack. The sooner the LBS shows that he will not tolerate her behavior, and she believes he has dumped her.....the sooner she is shaken from the fog, IMO. The longer he waits around and allows her to BS him and continue disrespecting him, the longer it will take to come out of it. That is what I see the majority of men doing on the board. They are too scared and too co-dependent to walk away from their cheating spouse. Most of them will use the excuse of not wanting to abandon their kids, but the reality is they are looking for anything to cling to and keep them in the same house with their S. That's just my personal opinion, not MWD'S.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Did you meet or start dating before both or either one of you was officially divorced?
It's not a trick question but to me it makes all the difference in the world with regards to strategy trying to reconcile and how to implement the 180.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
many come here wanting a magic formula that will switch the WW back to her old self again, and it doesn't work that way.
Those of us that have been here longer also realize that the "old self" is not a person we might want back in our life again. So that the WAS has even more work to do if we want to take them back in the future.(no disrespect for Sandi here, cause she has DONE the work ! )
We both left to be with one another, so I know the otherside. Looking at it now I see My W had no fallout, just traded up life styles, as her x just let it happen, no fight no nothing. He just went along with there daughter going with her mum, I then supported her financially. (Wife and child) I however lost all I worked for house......plus my children. Damage is still there with son.
I thought so, i understand that there are many many factors, but surely it would be good to know some stats.
You guys have been my light in the Fog and yes I see it that I'm in a fog but god it's clearing quick, so I'm sure I will let you know what happens. Thanks
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