Wayward Wife and the Way of LRT Pt. 2

[Defacto]

I guess my perspective is that you don't want her back with a trick, magic button or a pill.
You want her back for real.
So make the changes for YOU that are attractive and appealing, to make YOU into the person only a FOOL would leave.

Then no matter what happens you will be OK!

Cadet, exactly right. It's all about the changes that are best for me no matter what. I need to always make sure to keep my motivations in check.

Yeah, I'm definitely not emotionally ready nor detached yet, which would certainly be unfair to any future partner. So I guess my motivations would be to create a tiny bit of jealousy but it sure would be nice to have some fun too. Just wanted to get some vet perspective on it.

Agree with Pilot and Old Cadet too.

Would you want your daughter ever going out with a guy in your position and marital status???

You are married until you are not.

Plus your kids are so young. If you eventually end up divorced if you don't hold to your convictions of standing by YOUR vows to your wife (and God) that you will stand with her "in sickness and health in good times and bad" then when the kids are older your then ex-wife can spin your dating others as equivalent to her dating others. If it's wrong for her to do it...it's wrong for you too. Saying she did it first and worst is just another rationalization and justification.

That doesn't mean I can't have some human understanding for the guy in Canada that is completely done with his wayward wife, separated, not speaking to her or seeing her at all but has to wait a year separated before he can even file for divorce. In that case, I would STILL advise against dating and certainly having any sexual relations beyond a simple kiss until the divorce is FINAL but I'd be more understanding.

Another point I'd like to make. You used the phrase "sure would be nice to have some fun too" . "TOO" means also. That's the trap of adultery. Adultery isn't fun. Your wife isn't having fun. She's conflicted. She's lost. She's isolated. She's lost you as a true friend and confidant and stuck with OM as her only friend. He is a lying cheating narcissist. She may be ACTING like she's having the time of her life and has found the fountain of youth (wayward wives tend to regress and behave like the cool mean high school girls) but deep down she is destroying her soul and laying waste to her integrity. A fully repentant wayward spouse will be repulsed by their behavior and the thought of being "fun" at all would sicken them.

The fact you are even entertaining the thoughts of dating enough to ask the question puts you at danger.

Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.

Your children apparently have one parent that seems to NOT value commitments, vows and relationships. Her actions speak to her current values that you are disposable. If you are disposable (her soulmate) whose to say that other people including her children aren't disposable to her as well. I recommend you don't reinforce that and exhibit behavior consistent with that value throughout this ordeal you find yourself in. You may also want to consider that your wife, if you divorce, is likely to bring a parade of boyfriends and maybe even a step father or two into your children's lives reinforcing her value that HER happiness is paramount to theirs (the kids). To counter that your children could really use a parent who makes them the focal part of their lives. If you wait until the kids are teenagers to really date anyone seriously enough to bring them around your kids that may really drive home that counterpoint. Kids become adults someday and will then have the freedom of choice as to which parent they care to include in their lives or not. Making them priority number one through these years while your wife makes herself number one could be make all the difference. If and when you do remarry, you'll have to make your new wife number one (as she should be AND as a model to your children of an appropriate marital relationship) if you can wait until the kids are old enough to be begging you to find someone, then all the better, in my opinion.

Last point. I also felt the urge to punish my wife by finding someone else "better" than my wife and quickly. I fear that had we divorced I probably would have followed the typical script of angry divorced guy out there dating hard, sleeping around WAY too much (having FUN too, not! Desperate divorced guys are so cliche) and trying to lock down and marry the youngest prettiest girl I could find to show my wife it was HER that made our marriage and our relationship so hard and difficult and not me. It's the quickest way to divorce number two out there. Stand up, classy women of value DO NOT date married men. Your hurting betrayed husband of two young children schtick only works on the weakest of weak desperate women willing to throw away their integrity for a soft devastated seemingly family man who's best quality is that he needs a woman to help him with his cute kids AND he's already committed to marriage with an ill-suited woman once so he'll probably do it again.

Short little rant, huh?

GB, awesome stuff! Thanks for taking the time to respond in such detail. I agree with you on all points. Well put, my friend. That's the beauty of this community:
One can post all their ill advised ramblings and get the wisdom one so dearly needs before it's too late.