My ex had a lunch meeting with me last week under the pretense of a working out a summer schedule for the kids. I say pretense because last year I wasn't even consulted, and as we were getting up from the table she let me know that she was dating someone. Not just anyone though. It was the guy I asked her if she was having an affair with while we were married. She still denies it was an affair, but I'm not completely sure I believe her. At the very least there was an inappropriate amount of texting, and hanging out with him. I'm guessing there was a little bit of EA going on at least.
She said that she was telling me because she was going to tell the kids about her boyfriend. I said that unless one of us was very serious about someone (ie. marriage minded) we shouldn't trouble the kids with our dating life. I think she started dating him as soon as she moved out, so she doesn't see this as a casual fling.
Hi Ntincu:
Why do you think she had this summer schedule meeting as a pretense to tell you that she is dating? Did you discuss the summer schedule or did she just talk about her dating situation? If you did discuss the summer schedule then take the positive from this that she is growing in co-parenting maturity with you in that she made the effort to negotiate a summer schedule with you instead of unilaterally deciding on her own like last year.
As for her dating the OM (whether he was or not), you are now divorced, right? What happened when you were married is now water under the bridge and spending time stressing about it is just sapping energy from you. She is free to date whoever she likes and if she wants to share that with your kids, there isn't really anything you can do about it. Again, I would take the positive outlook on this in that she told you about this relationship first without simply telling your kids first and you hearing about it from them. She is clearly taking your feelings into consideration. You are also free to tell her your thoughts on what you think is appropriate (timing and amount of information) to tell your kids about new girlfriends/boyfriends, but just recognize that she isn't bound to follow your guidelines, so if she doesn't then again there really isn't too much you can do about it and I wouldn't let it get too you (insert Serenity Prayer here.)
Originally Posted By: ntincu
This has brought all the feelings of the divorce back to me. I wonder often if I'm such a horrible person, that she thought this was her only option. I confess I wasn't the best husband, but she really didn't want to see me or my efforts to change. I know there were a lot of good times, but I guess she doesn't care to see it that way.
Writing this I can tell I'm still really stuck on her, but I don't have anywhere else to go. I've never been good at socializing or dating. She was my first serious relationship, so maybe this is why I'm taking it so hard.
First of all you aren't a horrible person. Perhaps you did horrible things, but that doesn't make you a bad person. The point is you have hopefully learned from them and have (or currently are) made positive changes in your life. If your ex-W wasn't interested in recognizing the positive changes you made, then perhaps that was her loss - but she has made her decision. Your changes are for you and to the benefit of whomever comes into your life as a future partner.
I don't know how long you have been divorced, but I would suggest you go back to the basics here and get out and get a life for yourself. Find some social arenas that you can feel comfortable in and meet some people. If you isolate yourself and sit around stewing over what you had then you will never get over your ex-wife.
Sorry if this post seems harsh - it's not intended to be, just some good ole fashioned advice and my two cents.
