Focusing on what works

[Closer2]

Old thread

Has the history. I'll be honest, DBing is hard for it me. Anyone that reads these forums understands that DBing is a bit unnatural for the LBS. When you feel your wife and family slipping away, the natural action is to pursue your W, to win her back and keep your family together. Unfortunately, that only pushes her away.

In my situation, my W was receptive early on to me becoming closer and reconnecting with her. After D-day, I made an effort to spend more time with her and to focus on reattaching and working on myself (GAL, coaching, books, etc). During our M both of us had become detached and my DB coach suggest working to reconnect while working on myself. This worked for a short period of time, but my focus drifted from GAL and detaching and towards M and W. I ended up pushing her away even further because I didn't keep the proper balance.

The past few weeks have been the most difficult since D-day. I have discovered that the A is EA and PA (prior she told me it was only EA) my W has seriously discussed M with OM.

My focus going forward is making the future transition as smooth as possible for my children, to lovingly detach from my W, and GAL.

To help the kids, I will leave work on-time and stop working late. This will allow me to spend more time with them when I get home. To play, go on walks, or just hang out.

I will lovingly detach from my W. I can not let her actions effect me emotionally. If she is texting, chatting, etc. I will not ask her questions or acknowledge her activity. I will leave the room in a non-confrontational manner if I need to. I will not text or call unless it is absolutely necessary. I will only respond to texts or call if it is absolutely necessary. I will have a PMA and not be cold. I will shut up and listen. Validating when appropriate during conversation she initiates.

I will GAL. I will schedule one day a week to reconnect with guy friends that I have lost contact with since M. I will attend a meet up event next week. When it is not my weekend with the kids, I will get out and discover new places to take the kids, schedule time with friends, etc. Planning is important, I don't want to find myself scrambling to find something to do then end up doing nothing.

So many situations have such similarities. Some can deal with situations better by not backsliding, being better at detaching, GAL, etc. I have made mistakes and backslid. Not because I don't believe in DBing, or care about my M. It's because the plans I had for my future and my family have been drastically changed. Only by focusing on what works and what is most important can I start to rebuild a new and better vision of a future.

I appreciate all the great help from those members that posted in my old thread and all the support I get from reading through other threads. The information and advice given from this amazing community is amazing, to say the least.