I Want You

[rob123]

Journaling...

Had a decent time this weekend with my parents, sister, BIL, my niece and my 2 children. Friday night there was a very bad storm in the area and it knocked over multiple trees and knocked the power out at my parents house. We ended up without power the entire weekend, but it wasn't really that bad because of the festival that we went to. Luckily, the power in town was still on!

I had a good time seeing people and friends that I have not seen in ages. It is weird, but people continually asked about my W. Where is she? How is she? You know the drill. She worked Friday night and then went over to one of her girl co-workers house on Saturday night. I went out for a while on Saturday, but in the back of my mind, all I could focus on was my W. I went to an old high-school friend's house and we sat around and were just shooting the bull. Then others came over and joined in. I enjoyed myself, but still had thoughts in my head that I know I have to let go.

I left around 10:30 and went to the house. The bad thing about not having power is that the entire house is quite. It really is only you and your mind. The mind that can think millions of thoughts a second. Your mind that wonders what is going on with your W. Your mind that, even though things were great the week before, continue to ask if it was all just a façade.

My W, again, was not feeling too well and was still sick when we got home yesterday. We went to the store and got some groceries and then cooked together. She acted great and was very happy to see us. I still, in the back of my mind, wondered, though. I have always been a person that really trusts others. I trust you, until you show me that I cannot trust you. I'm at the stage with my W that I am not 100% sure if I can trust her. In my opinion, that adds to the anxiety. When you cannot trust someone, you always attempt to mind-read. Well, why did she say this? Why didn't she say that? Is she being honest with me? You know, the typical actions of someone who does not fully trust the other.

I thought I did OK this weekend GALing. I wish I had a switch that I could turn that would completely get my mind off of my W. However, me wanting to fix everything and have everything be OK, it is hard to do that, especially at this juncture in the R. I did have fun with my friends reminiscing, but I also missed my W being there. It is hard to detach. It is hard to go about your life like nothing is wrong when your mind continues to tell you something is wrong.

For today, me and the W are starting a new workout program. My W was always into crossfit while I was always into just lifting weights. I found a program (a 6 week program) that combines both and I told my W I was starting today. My W said that she wanted to do this with me and that it would be fun for us to do this together.

It is weird, but we used to workout together. Not saying we did the exact same things, but prior to our children, we would always go the gym together and she would do her thing and I would do mine and then we would spend the last 10 minutes 'competing'. After the kids were born, I continued working out, but she started slacking a bit. It got more and more difficult to workout together. Our gym finally offers childcare (started about 6 months ago) so we don't have to go at different times. She told me that she misses when we did that because working out was something we both enjoyed and the competition at the end was always fun for her. I think this is moving forward in the right direction.

I know, like many others here, that we have to take things one day at a time. I see some real progress in our R at this time, but I am DBing for the rest of my life. Everyday I have the chance to be a better partner. I will be a better partner!