Back again, advice needed..

[Tulo]

This is totally breaking my heart. I realise that I do most things wrong, but I'm having a hard time understanding how he has become so over it, in a sense, so quickly. It's like he has no inclining to even try to be positive and see anything good, it's all dark it seems.. Or almost anyway.

Yes, I did see him. And to answer Cadets question, I think I thought I wanted to show him that we could have a just quick coffee together on a positive and light note, and that it was something good. Well, didn't work, obviously.. I ought to have guessed as much, or maybe I did, but just wanted to try so badly that I couldn't help but to try.

I came there, a little bit awkward at first, got a hug and a peck on the lips and then a longer hug.
Sat down with our coffee, (in Sweden we call it "fika" and it's a very big part of Swedish culture to have coffee and something jummy to go with it) and spoke about this and that at first.

Then it got a bit quiet and I felt that it would have been ludicrous to pretend that it wasn't something bugging us. So I asked, so how you've been? And he said that he's been thinking lots and he thinks it's so hard to know what to do. In one moment he thinks that maybe this is just a phase and that he doesn't want it all to end, and in another he doesn't feel the same as a year ago and it's so hard to not feel what he thinks he supposed to feel and to be the one (out of us two) who feels the least.

(The thing is that this spring has been very focused on other things than us, and I would be more surprised if we had felt the same as we did before, our last fun activity together without kids or others was on Valentines day when we went skiing and had a great day, and after that he's been in the US to work for over 3 weeks and has his kids full time for 4 ½ weeks. So mostly we've been cooking dinner at each others house and watched tv, had sex and not much else. So I don't see how the feelings from a year ago could have been present now, when we haven't had time/opportunity to really connect in the same way.)

His kids came up, and that he wants to focus more on them than he's done. (He's got two teenage twin girls that are a handful to say the least, and have not been very interested in socializing with him the last year but now finally are coming around, and I told him he should.)

One thing I got from this was that he says that he doesn't walk around thinking that he wants something else or someone else. It's not that he doesn't think I'm good enough if you understand what I mean, but he is thinking that he might not want a relationship AT ALL! :'( And that he can't choose his emotions, they just are what they are.

He said again that he didn't want to be persuaded and that he thinks it so HARD to talk about feelings and that he's not in any hurry to figure this out, he's not got any OW waiting or something like that. I said that I understand and that I know this is hard, I feel that too but that I think that it's ok that it is hard, because we grow from it. So I went home and it all felt pretty good that we had talked even though hard. AND THEN..

Morning came. I have my worst time with problems in the morning and wake up with a huge lump of hurt in my stomach and pure anxiety. So what do I do? I start thinking of the fact, that he's always said to call at any time. And I wanted to feel that I still could do that, and I just wanted to say that I called to still feel that I could. We haven't said that we're not together yet.. So I call, he doesn't pick up. Panic sets in. I call again. It's 7,45 in the morning, why no answer? I call 3 times and then I hang up, run up the stairs and put on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and run out the door, thinking that I'm so driving to him to see if he's not home or with someone else. I do have a key..

As I'm running towards my car, the phone rings. It's him. I answer and he sounds just like normal. I ask him what he's doing and he says he's just been cleaning the pipes in the bathroom that had clogged and the phone was in the kitchen so he didn't hear me ringing. -Cleaning the bathroom at this time in the morning, you normally sleep this early? He says yes, but he had fallen asleep in the sofa the previous evening and had woken up thinking with all he had to do he might as well get cracking..

I started crying and said I had been on my way over there. He said -What? Why? with surprise in his voice.
I told him what I had thought, and that I probably was to damaged from previous relationships to even be in a relationship all the while I'm crying.

He was very sweet and said that I could call him any time and he didn't want me to think things like that.
We spoke about our conversation the previous day and it felt like we connected and thought that it was a good thing that we had spoken. I said that since it's only 3 weeks until he's returning to the states (does some work for NASA believe it or not) maybe if it was ok with him, we could try and see one another every now and again until then and then we'll get plenty of time to think when he's in the states, because he'll be gone for 5 weeks. He said that he thought that was good.

I asked how he felt about us having sex during this time, and he said that he could have that every day with me, but he doesn't want me to feel bad if we do have sex. I said that I love having sex with him, and would miss it if we didn't.

I said that if we only meet for example 5 more times, I wanted us to do fun stuff together and use the time for something good as going on a bike ride or walk, or do something fun, not just watch tv.. Suddenly he says quietly that -or maybe we could do something else we like.. Suddenly it all got quiet and I know he was thinking about the same thing as me.. So I said that I would really like that and that I thought it had been too long. (10 days or something..) The conversation got pretty hot and we hung up with us both saying we wanted to be together soon. We sent a few text after as well.

However.. I called him to say goodnight last night, he sounded as usual in the beginning. But when I brought up wanting to "catch up" sometime soon he sounded more distant. I asked him if he felt up for it and got a yes, but it wasn't like he was superexcited about it and wanted to shout it from the rooftop. But he did say hugs and kisses when we hung up..

And this is where we are. Me: too eager, wanting to patch things up. Longing to be near him. Wanting to keep something positive going between us. Him: not sure of anything it seems and not taking any initiative to contact me or even sounding sure that he wants to jump me as he's always been.

I so want to win over my demons that want me to push push push and try to keep emotions at bay but it's like fighting a big roaring lion. Very hard.

Does it sound like all hope is lost to you? I realise that me going there for coffee was bad and not doing the 180.. Maybe even sex, something that always been very good between us might even be to avoided?

This was a loooooong post. Sorry about that! Hope you made it through..