Thread named as such because I never thought I'd get to a point when, overall, things were ok. It changes things, now I have to decide what I want to do, instead of just doing whatever I could to stop the bleeding.
Recap: *D negotiations are currently underway. I have elected to make a stand for 50% custody. *No real conversation with WAW since November. She has done some things that have made me wary enough to want to remain L only through the D process. *Moved into apartment 12/1 (after 4 months of couch surfing). *I am a more engaged father than EVER before and loving my time with my children. *My newish sales job of 6 months is going well although I feel a tremendous amount of pressure *I still play pool when appropriate and enjoy the game *I am not focused on WAW at all, only myself and my family. I am currently porn free, more in touch with my feelings and better able to handle them, and less critical of myself and others. I have come a long ways and am doing very well, but am not complacent.
Thank you all for following. You know, it's all good.
I had my children this weekend. Yesterday I took them for a walk around a lake on a path near my old work. It leads through woods, etc. Not a hike, a paved trail. I want to get them hiking this summer so I started with a nice casual walk, we'll hike next time on something easy. It was a 3 mile walk, just the right length as my 4 year old was getting tired towards the end but we all made it just fine. IT. WAS. A. BLAST.
Then we watched Sister Act, my daughters LOVED the music (and S10 did too, he's really good about being open to things that aren't normally up his alley because I take an interest in what he's doing as well).
Today I read to them out of the children's bible, read the story of Moses because they didn't know it. Then we watched a video about it (beginners bible on youtube) so they could compare versions. We'll read the rest next time.
My friend has 3 kids their age, we will be joining them for church and going on some hikes together.
All in all, I've never had so much fun with my kids and it's ALL good. I am SO GLAD I decided to go for 50% custody. And I am SO GLAD the D took as long as it did. I might have accepted much less 6 months ago because I didn't know I could do this as a father. Just another example of how we don't always know what's best, and sometimes someone is looking out for us.
Tonight I found a picture my D made. She gave it to me the night she found out I wasn't coming back home. It was a picture of the three of them, AND of my two dogs that passed a year or two ago. It had the three kids and the dogs there reaching out to me, and a big smiling dad holding out my arms to them. It said "We will miss you dad". I started crying when I saw that picture. I cannot tell you how horrible it felt to be forced away from my family, how devastated I was taking that picture and pulling out of the driveway that night, away from the home I had with them. Looking back I didn't have to leave, but it happened so fast before I found DB (and my IC said if I hadn't STBX might've gotten me removed with a court order even if it meant fabricating an 'incident').
Point is, when I started I was depressed. I was torn apart from my family. I was a disconnected father. I was using porn. I was relying on my STBX's opinion of me to make up for my own lack of self esteem and inner happiness. I was spiritually numb. And I was thinking of giving up.
Now I have my kids, and will get more time with them in the future God willing. Things are going so well. Yes, I have a ways to go, and I ended my last thread by talking about it...but I also have a history of being really hard on myself, and being a perfectionist. And looking at where I am vs. where I was...well, I honestly couldn't be happier.
I sincerely want to thank all of you who have helped me find this path.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
