Hi, AJ, my buddy! And, I totally... TOTALLY get what you are saying about forgiveness. I just get it. And... that's where I'm at, ironically... the letting go. I can let go and be OK. Where the forgiveness fits in, is when I see action from him. That's where it's funny.. he showed remorse and apologized... then did it again. So... forgiveness isn't an option now. Perhaps in the future we will get to that point. I do think he feels a sort of remorse for hurting me... not for his actions... but whatever. Right now it's about letting go.
I think you can get to a good, healthy place with acceptance. Without anger and bitterness. Still be pleasant... whatever..
I just want peace. I want separation from him. At this point, I feel like I want an eternity of it. But not in an angry, bitter way. Just bc I can't bear to see who he is now.
Anyway.. OMG, AJ! I looked into Maui Thai classes. I found a place, not too far away. I am so excited about it! As a teen, I always wanted to take boxing lessons... but... that's kind of dated now... and I found Maui Thai! It looks like a great place! I like that stuff. I like watching MMA, too. I got tickets in Chicago last year for xh and I to go... plane tickets and everything for xmas. He backed out the night before. (I know now, hww wouldn't let him go w his wife). Whatever... his loss. He loves that stuff too. Any way... my kids want to do it too. I found this place... and the instructor is soooooo hot! Ha! I know, I know. But if we are going to do it, its going to be THERE! Mmmm Hmmmm....
I am actually excited about it. My sleep has been a little better. I am fully aware that it is my thoughts that keep me awake. Not that I am thinking of things, necessarily, which keep me awake, it is the loss of control of thoughts when i fall asleep. I take 5-10 minute naps here and there.. I can fall into a deep sleep in a minute, only to be jolted awake with adrenaline pumping.
Not so fun, but I'm sure it will get better. Plus, I'm sick of looking like crap. I want to look better, so I know I need sleep!
