Hey ya'll! Geesh! Lotsa good discussions on the board these days. And some newbies. It's hard for me to respond sometimes. I feel, like my hot momma friend GB, who has so much to offer, but I question what can I say to anyone? Then, sometimes, it stings so much to read, as it brings me back to a place I'm not fully prepared to address. For my own personal... weaknesses?
Anyway, there are some amazing people who I see coming so far. And doing so well with the craziness of dealing with MLC land.
I question so many things all the time now. Like... every thing.
But first, I want to say that things with me are ok. My GAL is gaining momentum. And... I'm finding some new things to participate it, which I'm pretty excited about. However, as good and as excited as I get, I still get moments of hesitation, withdrawal, and a feeling of... well... I don't need to... I see myself find an excuse of why not to... but, I'm definitely overcoming that. Xh was master of it. I wasn't. Prior, that is. But, I found a way to adapt some of his behaviors throughout the years. I always wanted him to be more comfortable than I cared about myself. Add those habits to my new found insecurities, and well.... its been interesting trying to re-establish myself. I've found- really, just don't put too much thought into it. And, I'm not using the above as an excuse... just my feelings I've noticed. And, hey, you can't change what you don't acknowledge, right?
Went for a run tonight. It's been quite awhile. And with that, I didn't think about it. I just jumped up, threw on a pair of sneakers, threw in my earbuds and took off.
The kids and I are really becoming so close. We always have, but with a different dynamic. For so long, especially last year this time... there was such an obvious void. Then things got pretty crazy for awhile. Now, we just enjoy ourselves like this. And we are much more relaxed. (S18 even said its better this way w/o xh's intensity) It made me sad, and if I could have things the way they used to be....well...I don't entirely know... I'd have to rethink that thought.
But, anyway, we enjoy each other, and I think we quietly acknowledge it now. How much we enjoy the new dynamic. We all have the same sense of humor.
On the other side of the coin, I still think of xh. And I realized that i think there is still a small percentage of me thinking of his regrets. Perhaps that is, in a way, still holding me back in a way. As I move on... move forward... there are still some things that pull me tightly. Some things that I still need to cut lose. I think, wondering of his regrets is part of it.
Since bd- my heart has gone out to him. More than anything, I put his feelings first. How terrible he must feel. I saw how torn he was. But, maybe now, I am starting to look at things differently, maybe some of it was show. He must have been riding high at some points with her. He just didn't show that to me. In fact, I gave him so much slack, he had the opportunity to do whatever... i just went with his word.
But, what I saw was the tormented side. I got the real him. What I knew. The struggle. I didn't know exactly what or why, but my heart went out to him. I knew he needed space and time to figure it out.
He didn't. Nor did he have space or time.
So when the nuke hit... dang it... my heart was still with him. I knew- that's not what he wanted! Crap! What now?
Disaster.
That's what.
So... I spent months... well... a year... giving him what he "wanted" space. Even though he continued to try to contact. I gave him what he wanted. And. What he was told. It is so clear to see the control she had. But... whatever... she sukks.. so who cares about that.
Now... after getting an ear full of that... part of me still goes a little crazy. Now... it is a little.. but a little is enough to drive you crazy!
I just want to move on. I really do. He. The person I knew. My husband. That guy seems so remote from my life now. But the person he was is still so close to my heart and spirit. But where is he? I just can't even imagine an appearance.
And, what I have to go on now- is actions. That's it. And.. they say a lot. So why is there still part of me that wonders what he thinks?
Is it bc he still texts d14 and is adamant to know what she is doing? And not in a way to know about her... but what "we" are doing?
Is it bc I am pretty sure I still see him drive by the house?
Is it bc he still tried to keep daily contact w me- but I had to totally cut him off?
Is it bc the last time we talked in person he cried and said he didn't know what he was doing?
Is it bc he said he has feelings for me?
Is it bc everything he said to me over those months were the thoughts I had and though he was feeling over the months he was gone?
BC he admitted he did this bc he was depressed and thought he was in a MLC and asked me what was going to happen to him next?
Mabye bc I cant believe the guy I spent all of my adult life and more than half my life w, I can't see him really being happy...
That he has done to my kids what he said more times than I can count, "I would never do that to them." "I just look at them and wonder how my dad could have done that."
Maybe bc I feel in my heart, so deeply, that this is so wrong and that I know he feels it too.
And yet... am I delusional? He has a new family. He has a child with this.... thing. He lives in a beautiful house with her and her son and their daughter. He is not even a father to our children anymore. We divorced via one text, "I made an appointment with a mediator." without ANY discussion! And we didn't even see a mediator, we talked, over the phone, while he was in monstser- and out of town- as I wrote things in a notebook, and had a lawyer draw it up, and that was it.
He went to my l office, signed the document there w/o reading it, (which my l said it would never happen) and that was it. It takes 30 days in my state. No discussion needed.
Done.
Clearly, he does not respect me. Our marriage. Our family. My children. Our history. Our 20 years together. What was our future. Everything we worked for- from poverty.
Wow. Where is this coming from? I have let it go.. as in... let it out over the last 9 months... and yet, it still seeps out. Not like it did... that was a rushing waterfall.
So, when I see him drive by, what am I to think? I don't think much, but I do think, in a way, it does hold part of me back. I feel for him. So much. I think it tears me up so much. But, I have to remember how much he has hurt me. The choices he has made, which has hurt me and my kids so much. Damn it. Where is this coming from right now? UGH!
I see the pain in my kids. I know they hurt. They are like me though and make jokes. I just don't know what to do. I mean, we have established ourselves as a family revised. And we are doing so well together. We love and respect each other so much. But, I worry what is really brewing inside. I dont' think they know nor know how to access it right now. S18 had his period of rebellion from it. But, what else is to come?
I just don't know. I am so ready to move on. My kids are ready to move on. Does my empathy towards xh still hold me back? Is part of me still stuck?
Geesh... this is tough stuff. Mostly I'm OK. The fact that he has a new family remix is really confusing and hard to really wrap my head around still. It throws me in so many directions... it's kind of crazy. It's a true emotional f.
