Day Two

[AJM]

A good conversation to be sure. It can be helpful to get the thoughts out, and I agree with you LT, it's easier to see other people's situations than one's own. That was one of the crazy parts back then. Watching the ex give marital advice to others while having affairs and living in her crazy head. One of the really interesting things at the time was the inability to be alone. It was crazy watching all the frenetic energy being put into not being alone and "living the good life." It all seemed like a big distraction from my POV. A duality of watching other's lives while destroying her own. It was odd to be sure.

And the conversations over the years. Sheesh. Talk about a jumble of mixed up hodge podge of junk. It was like watching a sewer clear itself out after a storm.

Could have just as easily been me, I'm sure. I have a deep compassion for the pain I saw. It's one reason I chose not to retaliate tit for tat. The relationship was over long before I saw the writing on the wall, and I knew it at the time I became aware.

Things began to change when I started standing up for the crazy. I did notice that. I noticed that she was soooooo angry, that her eyes literally changed when she would spew. Different colors and really big and dilated. Like a Jekyll and hyde sort of thing.

Years later, she hated that I called her by two different names. She eventually noticed that I referred to her by her formal name vs. the name I had always called her.

The funny part to me was watching her new H (OM) start to take on her anger as her's dissipated. Or rather transferred to him. In some ways, it was like she was working out her issues by transferring the to him or encouraging his own. Hard to say as I don't know either of them, but it's what it seems like.

All of that to say I wouldn't be in that head for all the rice in China. And it was obvious to see the thinking she was doing. The questioning of "why?" For all intents and purposes, she tried really hard to make it about me. I'm not perfect by any stretch, but she tried really hard after she left. She barely remembers half of that stuff in more recent conversations (year ago now?) And there's still the odd emails etc. that show up from time to time. Even that's changed come to think of it. Like she is becoming a person again. Which honestly was the only thing I could really hope for - that she'd become a whole person again vs. the fragmented wreck that left.

It's a bizarre trip to say the least. At least from where I saw it up close. One I wouldn't wish on anyone and I firmly believe they do need a friend that knows their past, at some point to finish their trip through la la land. I've seen her clumsily try a few things that have made me think that. <shrug> Who really knows though, right?

AJ