KGirl - letting the past go

[KGirl]

Yikes. I've been doing pretty well but this weekend has been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. Been crying more today than I have in the past few months combined, I think. Here's why:

-today is my ex-niece's (is that a thing??) 9th birthday. My SIL's daughter. It's the first year in many years that they are actually in our home state (military family), and they had a party, from what I see on facebook. Feeling like a lot of you have posted lately about being left out of things, particularly since without kids I really don't have a place in that family at all anymore. And I was there when this niece was born and saw her in the hospital... I've been there the whole time, through all of the drama associated with that - SIL did not end up marrying the father and married someone else, father gave up parental rights, etc. And of course, all of the relatives I am facebook friends with have pictures of the party, and STBX shows up everywere. So combine seeing all these photos of STBX along with the fact really hitting me that I'm no longer a part of that family...ouch.

-my car is being all funky and I'm trying to be independent and figure it out but I really have no clue what I'm doing and feel really inept

-and I think the reality of this all being final in less than 2 weeks is hitting me HARD.

Basically, I feel like a hot mess.

On the positive side:
-You know how in the Matrix, when Keanu Reeves is in the sketchy hotel/office place and can finally see all of the coding and what lies under the matrix and sees how it all fits together? I feel like I had that "ah-ha" moment this week, re-reading my "rebuilding after divorce" book about people who rebel against feeling parented. I feel like I can kind of see a map now of all of the different actions, paths, and reactions that lead to D and the various contributions. And how it's not just him being a d-bag as much as I'd like to just attribute it to that most days. It's making more sense and I think I can better see my role in this.. although I think the biggest and most important thing I can do to mitigate my role is just to be more careful in choosing a partner,as opposed to just settling for the first person that shows interest despite reservations I have, because I'm scared of being alone. I've worked hard on being OK with being alone, I can do this, and I'm going to listen when carefully when those little red flags come up and not just dismiss them like I did before.

I think it'll be OK. For now I may just need to accept this is a tough time, and it'll be calm after the storm.