My First Break, Light Shines Yonder

[Pyrite]

Reply to comment from Zeus on closed thread (Smothy)

Instead I recommend a narrative in which you see yourself as a wonderful human with flaws. One that deserves to be treated with respect. One that deserves a loving and committed partner, a partner that won't abandon them or script them as the bad guy. But also one that has made mistakes, that can forgive their WAS for their mistakes, one that has room and need to grow. And part of that growth is telling ourselves a balanced and effective story of who we are, how we got here, and how we will move forward. And part of that growth is letting go of your WAS's control over your view of your reality.

That is how we achieve detachment, feelings of self worth, acceptance, yet still grow from our experiences. That's all we can do. Whether someone else values what we offer or not, don't let that for a second dictate that your self worth.

Very well put. A little too long for a mantra, but something I will recite when necessary. I have always had trouble with the "wonderful human being" part.

How do you learn self care when you've looked to someone else to take care of you for so long?

I've been thinking about this recently. Before I met my W I was single for over 3 years, and generally happy. Certainly constructive/positive. This is when I went back to school, stopped taking drugs, stopped smoking, started swimming, gym, etc. So I DID take care of myself. I suspect a lot of us did, so maybe recapturing that is not so far fetched.

That's why I keep referring people to my old threads. It's been something I've been working on for 10 months now. I'm not "all better", I'm not the H only a fool would leave. But I've come a heck of a long ways and feel better about who I am. This makes my life more enjoyable, and I know it would take a lot of pressure off my partner if I were in an M.

Another thing I have been thinking about. How to gauge your own "success"? How will you know when you are there? I dont think you/I/we ever will be. Its like "I'm still an addict, I just haven't used in 15 years". I dont agree that you would not make a good H right now, unless of course all of your "reflections" are disingenuous.

Of course there is a point before which you are not actually ready, even if you think you are. I can see at my early stage how I have done a 180 in all my relationships, friends, family, colleagues. I haven't slipped up yet and I am really proud of that, but I imagine I will at some stage. I dont think I am ready for a R, and absolutely I am not ready to begin reconciliation with my W (even IF that was on the cards), but I think there must be some point at which you say to yourself I can't learn anymore, or judge my progress any further without throwing myself into a R.

Then it is exactly the same sitch as before; "I'm still an addict, I just haven't used in 15 years". So you just have to keep correcting. I do believe that it will be like everything else though, it just gets easier and easier until eventually it becomes the new you. I have a friend who trains people sailing. The other week he was telling me how some of them just keep training for years. Others take out their own boat after 1 lesson. Oddly there is no perceptible difference in their abilities.