Rebuilding my Castle...

[LoisB]

Bringing this over from Cal's thread.

AJ wrote:

Not carrying anger nor resentment doesn't require forgiveness. It does require acceptance of what happened and a decision to not carry that anger and resentment.

But to me, forgiveness does require the concept of repentance. i.e. "I recognize I did you wrong, and I am deciding I won't continue to do that to you. Can we wipe the slate clean and begin anew?" When I say begin, I mean our new relationship, which may be close to nothing, won't carry that baggage over. It's forgotten as if it never happened.

Because it needs to be as if it never happened, can you see why it requires two people and not just one, or am I missing it still?

I can accept that you wronged me, treated me poorly, maliciously did x,y,z toward me etc. I can accept that you're human. I can accept that you're happy you did them and don't want to change anything about what you did toward me. That's your world and one you live in. I have no reason to forgive you of the offense(s). None. I don't need to be angry about it just as I am not angry when a small child bumps into me and spills his drink on my leg. I'm not angry, although I don't particularly like it nor seek out opportunities to be around that child while they have a drink in their hands and aren't tied to a chair or their parents smile i.e. I haven't forgotten and I haven't forgiven in the sense that I'm not looking to continue a relationship with a child that's done that. No anger, but no relationship.

And I think the relationship, of some sort, is key to forgiveness. Otherwise, it's cheap forgiveness.

But I don't have a live a bitter, angry, cold life of untrusting solitude either. I don't have to forgive a person to avoid that.

In my mind, forgiveness is not what's needed to heal. Rather, acceptance, peace, and lack of emotions around the acts and person are attainable and much sought after (much like the analogy of the child who did what he did, whether maliciously or not; still a child.) But wiping the slate clean when it wasn't asked for? When it was flaunted as the thing to do? When it was done with intent and malice aforethought?

Nope. Not appropriate.

I don't think it appropriate to extract a pound of flesh for the wrongs either. That's really not the point and provides no value unless starring in an action movie where vengeance is needed for the plot thickener. Otherwise, incredibly limited value in my view. I haven't always "felt" that way though. There was a time I would have been more than happy to run my ex over with her own car, shoot her, push her off a cliff and then do it again. Just how I felt, but not what I believe. Eventually, feelings do catch up with what one believes, thankfully.

When genuinely asked for (not as a manipulative tactic?)
Certainly needs to be done. I.e wipe the slate clean and never speak of it again (both sides). That would be forgiveness if you asked me and the difference.


Forgiveness. Takes two as far as I'm concerned. The rest can be done without it and one can still lead a great life without bitterness, nor anger toward another. Acceptance + choice allows one to say, "I know what you did, and I choose not to retaliate nor talk about it nor carry the burden of your choices in my heart" - without forgiveness.

I can remember a time when I was sixteen or so and my parents had both remarried. I was living with my mom and step dad and my stepdad was abusing us daily. I hated my father. HATED the fact my father was living with his secretary and setting up house and acting as if nothing he had done was wrong.

I can remember having angry, sour thoughts about my father daily...wishing he would die some terrible death.

I can remember being a teen having umpteen people approach me after my dad left and say, "You HAVE to forgive him sweetie...it's the best thing for you...yadda, yadda..." I wanted to spit every time someone said that. I don't HAVE to do anything I would think. If HE has the right to hurt me and impact MY life so profoundly, the least I have is the CHOICE to decide how I want to allow him in my life.

Well, fast forward 35 years or so. I don't feel much anger with my dad. I'll admit that it does surface from time-to-time, as I've noticed it does with my siblings, when he takes some luxurious trip to Cannes or some silly place...whatever. But, overall, I'm able to trust God has a plan and my dad's life is his to handle. When it comes down to it, I know I wouldn't want the life my dad leads. I think it's fairly shallow. But, that's his choice.

Thank God. I WILL get there with Matt. I've already done so, imperfectly, with my dad and grandfather.

Where my grandfather is concerned, I just feel such pity that he chose to live out his days the way he did, away from his kids and grandkids. He was truly pitiful.

Still, I can't say that I have forgiven him. I accept that he was who he was and I choose to live my life differently. I'm still fairly revolted by how he treated his children and my grandmother when he left and after. That's just being honest. He was pretty damn revolting and mean. He continued to be fairly oblivious? Honestly, I don't know because he left and didn't look back.

But, I don't want him to die in a tar pit anymore.

AND...what's more. With my step dad, I really feel nothing but pity. Enough pity to invite him to NY to spend the weekend? NOPE. But, enough that I'm willing to pray for him and ask God watch over him. Same for my dad.

I hate the things these men have done which impact MY life today and made it harder for me to find MY joy in life. I see them as mountains I've had to climb to get to the good stuff. That sorta pi$$es me off still because I didn't and my girls didn't deserve those stumbling blocks.

In my world, go ahead and be an as-hole. Just don't be an as-hole and get in my way from achieving MY joy. Now, when I see someone do that I get incensed because I realize I have the same right as everyone else to enjoy my life. No matter what as-hat says I don't.

I don't imagine, however, I will feel that gristle once I get to the plateau and look down on all I conquered. Yet, I'm thinking they won't be invited to the party. Rat bastards.

There IS a time to put your foot on the neck of your enemy. I believe that. Once you step on them and over them to get to where you need to be...then, it's all good. Water under the bridge.

Postscript. My dad might actually be invited to the party. He has done what he could, financially, to help make up for his past transgressions. I see that. I do. He's tried.