I'm trying to catch up on your thread. I had to stop to address this when you said you weren't sure your W was wayward.
This woman is a serial cheater!! You took her back with no conditions or reconciliation plan in place. She never had to deal with consequences of her bad behavior and did not have to work at rebuilding a relationship with you. She did not have to be accountable for her actions, time, or whereabouts. Wasn't long until she was staying out till 2:00 am and making up excuses to spend the night away from home. This is a married woman and a mother of two boys. Yet, you think she's not wayward b/c you aren't sure she's in an A. Trust me, she is wayward! She does not have to be in an A to qualify for waywardness.
Whose decision was it to sleep in separate rooms? What are you wishing to resolve, if she's in no A, and you can't even see she's living contrary to the values, standards, morals, etc., that you thought you both shared. What's the plan? Wait it out? Wait what out?
Then I read this post and I have to stop again to comment.
Quote:
Update. She said when I first asked her that she did it and then was going to put the money back as soon as it was deposited but once she put it through she couldn't take it back. Ultimately she said that she's at a point where she cares but she really doesn't care. Said that she can't trust me at all and needs to protect herself. Told her she should have her account and keep the money if it helps her feels safe. Asked her if there was anything I could do to help her feel more safe and she shrugged it off. Said that its great that I say I've changed but she can't trust it and said that realization [censored] because she's been burned too many times by me. Said she has no ill will towards me but can't trust me. Told I appreciated her saying that and I understood. Also said I hope over time my actions not my words will build some of that back up to where she doesn't feel she has to lie or hide things from me. Then we talked about other general things. No yelling and she never said she was done or wanting to move out or bringing up divorce which I would have thought would have been the time to do so. She seemed a little upset but really more indifferent. Not sure what to do from here or what to think. Help!
The WW has a unique ability to shift truth, blame, guilt, accountability & responsibility onto the H. They use this to use for their own advantage. The above quote is a prime example. Didn't you say you would not tolerate lies? Yet, she lied......and more. She turns this whole incident around and says she doesn't feel she can trust you........and she has to protect herself b/c she doesn't feel safe with you. Then amazingly, you fall right into step with her reasons and decide you must do whatever you can to make her feel safe........with money, and you need to earn her trust.
You have the shoes on the wrong feet. She is the one who broke trust in the M and continues to lie and be underhanded. Does she have to face any consequences for her actions? Doesn't appear so.
Don't be a fool. She is playing you for a sucker. The WW will not appreciate how hard you are working out in the gym, or how much you contribute to the house chores, how often you keep the kids while she goes off to play, or how faithful you remain to your vows. A WW is wrapped up in herself and everything else comes last.
You must change the dynamics greatly. That is the only chance you have to get her really back all the way.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
