I have not yet been able to find a job, but I am still working on it.
What happened is that I finally had nothing left to lose. She has given herself over 100%, emotionally and physically, to OM. And once she had, suddenly (and for the first time in MONTHS) she started responding positively to me again. At the bank she was all friendly and flirty; the day after the camping trip she started sending me affectionate little texts. I responded to none of this, refraining particularly from snarling "Where the hell was this attitude when we actually needed it?"
When she eventually asked me why I wasn't talking to her, I first said that I would explain in person. She said no, that would be too stressful for her, text only. So I wrote to her to remind her that adultery is as traumatic as domestic abuse, and that just talking with her was traumatic because it reminded me of where she was when she replied (in OM's apt and in his bed). Therefore, for as long as she is connected to him, it is unhealthy for me to be connected to her. Furthermore, I was no longer her friend, because "friends don't traumatize friends."
She got some of her stuff today. She wouldn't (or couldn't) look me in the eye.
Today is a difficult day. It's really sunk in that she's gone, and that I am alone. I have an informal play reading later in the evening, which will be good to be with friends, but for the next six hours I don't doubt I'll continue to feel this gnawing solitude.
Newpand, I am so sorry for what you're going through. There were a lot of similarities with my situation, but because we have kids, the w is staying in the home with me but in separate rooms.
Congrats on getting away from fb. That was tough but one of the best things u can do for your sanity. The more you force yourself to go out, meet people and do things for you, hopefully the less you'll think about how much you hurt and have fun!
Best of luck to u!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Today is a difficult day. It's really sunk in that she's gone, and that I am alone. I have an informal play reading later in the evening, which will be good to be with friends, but for the next six hours I don't doubt I'll continue to feel this gnawing solitude.
Hello NP,
I have been thinking about you. You are making progress -- please keep doing more of the same.
I hope that today turns out better than it started for you.
Take care my friend,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thank you, Tenbook, Ripken8, and Bob723, for your kind thoughts-- they made that day considerably better.
The difference that I'm now noticing, with her moved out and my declining to contact her, is that I constantly feel her absence. When I taught my class on Monday nights, it had previously given me a feeling of "being bulletproof": strong and confident and happy. But now I discover that a large part of that feeling was a kind of defiance; I knew on those nights that I was coming home to an unfaithful wife, and my ego and self-confidence were set in opposition to that. Now that she's gone, I learn that the class is so absorbing that I forget about my situation while I'm there, but the moment it's done I am reminded that I'm heading home to no one. It's not a crushing despair but it is a disappointment that will not be banished.
Generally, though, I'm not ruminating as much as I had been because I've now said to her everything I wanted to say. Part of the reason why she wouldn't (or couldn't) look at me, when she came to get her stuff, is likely that in our text conversation prior I was able to express to her in a sober and logical way that, however I might've contributed to the original betrayal, the responsibility for our ongoing pain and this situation's outcome was entirely hers. That is, I explained that because the cause of our trouble was her behavior, anything I tried to do could only be aimed toward trying to control her behavior (which always made things worse) and, moreover, I showed how (using the facts of how our situation had progressed) that our love and marriage had been entirely unsalvageable as long as she refused to stop her affair. Further, I shifted responsibility for my own "hostility" onto her, by drawing an analogy to her cat; imagine, I said, what you would have to do to severely traumatize your cat. Now imagine that you did that every time she came within reach, and that you prevented her from escaping, and that you started doing it on purpose, remorselessly, and sometimes as deliberate punishment. Would you expect loving behavior from the cat? Would you expect anything other than claw, bite, and hiss? Lastly, I pointed out that the camping trip was adultery (not that the rest of her behavior isn't, but she still is denying that her behavior was ever even an affair).
Which leaves me with nothing left to say. Of course I didn't expect any of what I said to change her behavior-- she still sincerely believes that her life cannot be happy if she has to deny herself any part of her emotional and sexual relationship to OM-- but saying these things provided me with a satisfying release.
I didn't blame her. I talked about responsibility, rather than fault. But it is her fault. Our marriage really didn't have problems-- it wouldn't have been difficult to recover what had gone wrong, or even to fix and maintain it after her initial transgression. The problem was, and is, that W is incapable of solving problems, large or small. I have always been appalled and frustrated by this inability of hers. Whenever she had a problem that affected her emotionally, she would always allow that emotion to control her behavior until it subsided, even if that meant treating me miserably. Only after the emotion was gone would she allow herself to think rationally and to apologize. This case is no different. What's worse is that, when confronted with any problem, W would always make an initial attempt at solving it and then, if her first strategy failed, she would more likely angrily destroy whatever-it-was instead of considering a different approach. Again, she treated our situation the same way.
Which means now I'm dealing with the new status quo. Which means that your encouragements and expressions of support are muchly appreciated.
And before anyone says so-- I'm not fooling myself to think that I didn't contribute to the situation in my own ways. My essential point is/was in finally recognizing that she, not I, had the choice and the responsibility to stop her affair.
Now that she's gone, I learn that the class is so absorbing that I forget about my situation while I'm there, but the moment it's done I am reminded that I'm heading home to no one. It's not a crushing despair but it is a disappointment that will not be banished.
Hello NP,
You're welcome, I'm happy hearing from me, and the others, helped.
I know exactly what you are feeling. My W walked away 6 months ago and is living 3 1/2 hrs away with her Mom/Stepdad. When I'm at work, I'm okay for the most part. The toughest part? Like you said, "I'm heading home to no one."
Here's a prayer I picked up from the Divorce Support Group I attend. I hope you find it comforting:
Dear God, help! I feel so alone and helpless. Lead me to a support and recovery group where I can build friendships with people who understand what I am going through and where I can learn to put my trust in You. Amen.
Take care of yourself!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
My marriage is starting to feel like a strange dream. This is undoubtedly due to the fact that I have completely eradicated her from my life. We don't talk, we don't text, I'm no longer Facebook friends with her, she no longer hangs out with our mutual friends. I've flushed even the smallest of her things from what was our living space. There is nothing here to show the space she once filled; there is nothing online to remind me of where she is now.
I still remember her, obviously, and I find myself thinking about her. But there's a strange kind of remove-- it's the kind of feeling you get when you wonder if a thing actually happened or if your memory is just playing tricks on you. In the memories I do clearly recall, she seems more like a phantom than a tangible person.
So when I find myself thinking that now she's out there, flirting with him at their workplace, commuting home with him, going places with him, having sex with him... there's an unreality to it that I'm glad of. It must be because I see none of the evidence that would make it real. I still remember the terrible way she treated me, and I am still unhappy that our love and marriage was destroyed, and I feel sorry for myself for these reasons, but I'm glad that actually thinking about her is wistful and strange rather than anything else. Thank you again to all those who urged me to defriend her.
