Zelda - almost there

[Ggrass]

What mozza said! 1,000000000000 times over.

[Zelda09]

Thanks, all.
Having a rough one.
At party today and got news my grandmother passed. It was expected.
Also that I have not been invited to a mutual friend's engagement party and STBX has been. She is the only friend that seems to be in his corner, and this feels painful to me. I wish it didn't. So many of our friends will be there. Thus wasn't expected.

[Vanilla]

Condolences, expected or not that's tough.

It's not a proper party without Z, cheeeeeese and someone to say mooooose.

So nothing wonderful missed then, especially from hostess with the leastess.

(((((Hugs))))))

V

[Zelda09]

I'm going to sound nuts. But this mutual friend, this was the one Id thought something was so strange during piecing, I felt shed excluded me needlessly a couple of times. I felt like I was going crazy then. H said he just needed to start developing his own friends and I think he was turning her to his side the whole time he was supposed to be about us. It makes me nauseous but I wasn't imagining things.

[Vanilla]

A POW?

V

[Zelda09]

I doubt it...but in the sense that sympathy and 'understanding' is something my H craves more than anything, definitely. She's getting married after all so I doubt POW in that sense, but my H has a great affinity for going after other women EA style. I'll never forget a friend calling me last year to say she didn't want to be in middle of marriage; sheer volume of texts, never flirty, just made her uncomfortable.

I sign papers on Monday. I no longer want him and his issues. I could never trust him again or not see him as using me during 'piecing' - this is the reality I need to focus on, not his friendships or motivations.

[Zelda09]

This is a letter I wrote him in 2010 after I broke up with him for throwing things at me. He acted like he was just fine with it, and I eventually bridged our way back together. What a moron I've been. I felt this way five years ago.
------

H,

One of the most attractive things about you was your determination to be rational, calm, considerate and a better human being, to want more than just average understanding or outlook on your life. In some ways, you are more spiritual and kind than people that go to church and claim all the high morals. In so many ways, you've treated me better than anyone ever has.

I told you many times you were one of the best people I had ever known.

You said tonight "if I cared, I should have brought concerns up earlier."

Because you are who you are at the core, I justified so many little behaviors thinking it was my fault for picking the wrong time, not understanding your needs, that you said you didn't know how to talk about things...that we hadn't learned a healthy way to have hard discussions.

I am sorry I pushed the subject of marriage and pushed you away. I'm sorry I didn't give weight to what you were going through this last week and didn't let the thing about the promise go. I'm sorry that I never asked your side of things, how you were feeling before I drew that line and broke up with you. When you threw those things at me, it scared the hell out of me, that you could do that for any reason and I went numb. I didn't want to ask for an apology that night, promises that it would never happen again, or that you would seek counseling.

Do I regret the knee-jerk reaction? Of course, there was hope to turn it around and I shut down. Angry because you didn't apologize, numb and I figured you had grown to hate me if you could do that.

Below are things you've done and said since we dated that are recognized as the beginnings of abusive behavior, verbally and emotionally. I've excused all for one reason or another, and just tried to build from whatever episode we had. I hope you can look at it honestly and address it - for yourself, the next woman you love who makes you angry, or if you have any hope for us.

I still love you, and I still have hope that we can build out of this. We had something rare, and wonderful. It's up to you. Make your world.
______________________________

Shoved off the dock July 4th...
Accused me of cheating/coming on to someone else

Left me in hotel at _, stormed off

Grabbed arm in _

Silent treatment way home from that trip bc I brought up professional future, accused me of wanting to break up

Screaming "you stupid f'ing b****" over and over again night I jumped in lake to swim

Walking away, leaving, driving off when upset...

Continued to use temper as intimidation, punching things in front of me when discussion was uncomfortable or too much

Angry on Easter bc of the way you thought discussion on budget was turning, acted defensive, drove me home

Calling me crazy, stupid, idiot during fights about marriage, cleaning, or others, telling me there was something wrong with me

Saying "screw you W" in height of arguments

Recently, yelling at me to get my sh*t together when crying

Yelling "shut up, moron, f you, shut the f up" before turning around to throw laundry basket at me.

[Zelda09]

I sign D papers in a few hours.
Just trying to read the letter above, knowing it couldn't have ended any better, I didn't cause this.

[HeavyD]

I am so sorry - God bless you

[Zephyr]

Z,

You are a strong, awesome woman, maybe not perfect ;), but awesome nontheless.

I wish this were not happening for you. You will get through this and come out on top.

Z