[BrightFuture]

H sent a company file. Addressing me by my name and being nice in his e-mail…

I hosted a Bunco group at my house last night. Hooked up with some people (neighbors) who I haven’t seen for a long time and met a few new people. It was fun. A couple of ladies asked me about my status, whether I was legally D’ed now. I said that I was not. I told them that I have a great life and my status doesn’t bother me for now. Plus, I don’t want that responsibility of being an initiator. I will wait for H to do it. Unless, I will need to do it myself for whatever reason. They also asked me if I was dating, to which I answered that I was not. And, again… I like my life the way it is now.

I left it at that. But, today, I’m having these thoughts… I’m evaluating where I’m… It will be 3 years since BD in a couple of months. I feel that I am in a place where I don’t really see H coming around and coming back, and that I don’t really want the man he is today. But, at the same time I feel that I’m still clinging to the thought that one day he might come around. It feels like I still have one foot in the old world. And now, with H being nice again, it reminds me of the times when he loved me and cared about me. And I loved him and cared about him…

I’ve just re-read the 6 stages of MLC by Heart Blessing. Yes, I did save that post before the purge on this board. I can clearly see the stages of Denial, Anger and Replay that my H went through. I thought I saw some Depression and Withdrawal last year. But, this is where it gets blurry… He might still be in Replay… Or, according to Hearts Blessing, when MLCer reaches the stage of Acceptance, he might still go back and revisit the other stages. She calls it a final rebellion, like for a teenager before he becomes an adult. From what I’ve heard and what I know, H regrets some of his decisions and actions. But, I think he is still trying to “fix” his life by continuing doing what he’s being doing.

I know that it is not popular here, analyzing where WAS is in terms of stages. I just feel that I need to do that in terms of knowing where I stand. Sometimes I think that my H will never exit from the stage of Replay. He will never hit the rock bottom. He has plenty of enablers to make him feel justified in making this choice and help him survive.

Anyway, all these sentiment… I’m just tired. I am invited to a B-day party today, but I don’t feel like going. I only know one person there, the B-day girl. She is 32 and most of her friends are around that age. So, I think I’m going to skip it and go to my sister’s instead. She already called me asking if I would be going to the party or not. It is good to know that my company is wanted tonight…