Hi uR. I just had this post I'd typed to you. You know- one of the most amazing ones ever (ok, so it wasn't, but who'd know?) and it went- poof! Be-gone!
The crux of it was..... Well first, thank you for your post. It was really, really nice. Towards the end.. I had tears in my eyes.
And then something happened- I went a bit on a tangent (surprised?) about how I just feel so uncomfortable w compliments. Even physically uncomfortable. I am so insecure these days about that kind of thing. I'm not bringing this up for attention or bc I feel sorry for myself or anything like that. I just have physical pains when someone says something nice to me and I just don't know what to believe about anything any more.
Let me add- this sounds a lot more screwed up than I am... I think....
Just doing a little internal digging.
Anyway. uR- I know you don't say things you don't mean, and you are not obligated to say anything nice- or anything at all, for that matter. However, I just have a hard time when someone says something nice about me. I feel like they have to bc they are my friend or it just seems like the right thing to do.
I'm also not devulging this bc I feel sorry for myself. That's not the case at all. I'm not a victim of anything other than circumstance. And that's not a victim. It just happens to be my life right now. We all have things. But, more so, I guess, is that I am ok- I'm not crying about my flaws I am who I am. But when taken out of that comfort zone, and getting a compliment or something... Eeeks! What is wrong?
Ok, uR, the box analogy. Exactly how I picture it with my marriage. I wrapped up that part of my past in a box w a pretty ribbon. I want to preserve it. It's a wonderful thing. Everything from that point until now- I want to release it. Be gone! I don't want that in my life! That's why it's so hard to see xh now. What he represents is pain now. This stranger who he has become is not the guy in the box, and I don't want him in my life.
The past few days have been ok. I see my life further and further from him. It makes me very sad if I really think about it like that, but it feels good to be moving on w my own life. I have though here and there- wondered if he is truly happy there. It's so hard to imagine, yet, I just don't know him anymore. Maybe he was lying to me when he said he was miserable there, it doesn't feel like it, but who really knows? I don't think he would have gone back if he didn't see a future. But, I also don't think he thinks long-term either. But he saw something. It's not easy, but, it's that way and so.... Whatever.
I know he is in crisis, but I mean, really? I can't even....
I have plans. Been doing much more. However, coming home alone can be sad. When you are w people and having a good time- coming home to a silent dark house, then trying to fill the time with the same happiness you were just feeling around others- and now you are alone. Ick. I'm a people person. That's one of my biggest challenges. And yet, I have my guard up like I'm Fort Knox and don't know if I'd ever let anyone in.
Crap. I should move in w a therapist. I'd be like Bill Murray in What About Bob.
