My First Break, Light Shines Yonder

[Pyrite]

Knowing where that "line" is would be great. Fortunately/unfortunately I err on the side of NOT deliberately distracting when I should. Im a gluten for (self) punishment.

I saw some very close friends today. Apparently I am MUCH better than I was a month ago. They are very surprised by my generosity towards my wife. The last time I saw them I WANTED to hate her. I was busy pushing for action on this re-location issue and complaining that W wasn't organised, prioritizing etc.

I told them that NOW I had given up on this pushing, trying to organise and even accepting her priorities. It wasn't until I was on the way home that it occurred to me that firstly I was using this organising as a distraction. And also it was an attempt to control how this ordeal unfolded. This happened before I found DB or this board. I wasn't informed and didn't have the same words to describe it, I just knew I was only hurting myself (for no good reason [actually my need to control the outcome was greater than my desire to have any outcome at all] ) and getting nowhere.

(Also related to an earlier discussion. Rambling, journaling)

In the aftermath of BD I envied people who could so easily adopt the attitude of righteousness, blame the other person, detach, and find another R (to probably repeat same thing). I couldn't let it go for a second. I was analyzing everything almost 24 hours per day since BD and absolutely would not let go until I had filled the missing pieces. I fully accepted my Ws accusation that it was all my fault and at that time it was known between us as my "depression". Still things didn't fit, and eventually all roads lead Cairo, and the only remaining hypothesis required OM.

My theories were all I could talk about. One friend said OM theory proves that it was not my fault and I should just dump the bitch and move on. This didn't gel with my understanding though. OM was a result of enduring an unhappy R, and I caused it to be that. My "excuse" or "whitewash" explanation was that she still should have been prepared to work on the M. Even just for the kids sake. But then I realised how far down the path she must've been. And this was an unrealistic expectation. Logically. Scientifically. I think I convinced myself that my dedication to solving this "problem" was testimony of my dedication to my W or the M. And I did think in the early days that if I could just solve this riddle then I would save the M.

Now I see that this crazy obsession with solving the riddle was not dedication to my W, it was the death cry of a control freak. I have commented before about my history as a control freak. Honestly though, my W had been pretty much shielded from this. Deliberately. Arguably another example of control but then worryingly you head down a path of being able make 1+1=3. I commented earlier to MrBond that one of her quoted reasons for loving me was that I always listened to her and acted on it, however crazy it seemed. Maybe I wanted to be perfect for her. Like with you Z, and wanting the perfect M. I think I did too, but only went so far as I wanted to be the perfect H and father. I had to be the perfect boyfriend etc. So maybe it was always a control issue.

This did definitely turn. After she left me a few years in, the control-shackles came out. So it ruined my M, destroyed my M, killed me after BD, then was still an issue later disguised as logistical expedience.

When is it going to be over. Sometimes I feel like I am getting better.

Am I just trying to control the situation again by DBing to save the M?

So maybe I should truly avoid controlling her by just letting her go? But this is what I am aiming for anyway, to get her back? But I mean fully supporting her in achieving the divorce? This doesn't necessarily mean going dark for example. Which would not exactly be DBing, but it would be eliminating my attempts to control her. But maybe this IS controlling her and the sitch?

Man - I am second guessing myself all over the place tonight.

Generally though I feel good about this. I feel like I have come a long way. Oh, this all started following a post on Smothy's thread. I am feeling the 180 on my W, as quoted there, is taking hold. And as I have said a few hundred times WRT detaching, it hasn't really diminished my heartfelt position on the matter. It has clarified it. And made it easier to accept as just part of who I am. This is something I just want, like I prefer chocolate to vanilla. It isn't a frantic position. I am starting to feel like I am not just "waiting" for her but I am open to reconciliation - if she brings it up.