gan 6 - return to human be-ing

[gan]

Hi Zel, Toots, All. Just getting back to my real life now. Returned from Tanzania last Monday and has been a super busy week at work. Here's the current situation:

1. Not a peep from H since we met up a few weeks ago.
2. I still want my H but he doesn't want me or so it seems.
3. I can and will live an interesting life no matter what happens, but (2) still applies.
4. We can file in a couple of weeks. I have no intention of doing so and I suspect H won't either (but I could be wrong).
5. Our M anniversary is in a couple of weeks. No celebrating there, but if I do want to send a letter that could be a good time.

As for me, here's a few random thoughts that have been kicking around in my head:

1. I'm not sure if I've really changed through this process. I do have some new ways of thinking about Rs (informed mostly by the work of Schnarch) and communication (Rosenberg). I've learned that I have a fierce flooding reaction when I hear things I don't want to hear, which interferes with my ability to live by the new perspectives I've gained above. I need to take responsibility for this and learn to put the reptile brain back in its cage.
2. I feel that I skipped the angry stage and that concerns me. Is it still to come? Have I been stuffing away my feelings away all this time?
3. It's been enlightening to read about some of the personal struggles people have had through this. From the beginning I never had any issues with believing I am good enough. Lately I've been wondering where I sit on the narcissist scale. The fact that I've been paying more attention to how I look when I go out probably hasn't helped! Man this whole thing is messing with my head.

(I think a trip to the IC is in order)

As for goals for the next little while:
1. I need to make more of an effort to build my social network. Having spent so much time overseas, I have friends in far away places (largely through Hs extra-curricular activities) but few here. As an extroverted introvert, I can easily pre-occupy myself with things that stimulate me during my alone time. But I want to feel more connected to others, particularly now that my major connection with another human has...well...become disconnected.