The 180's are simple. Do the opposite of what you normally would do. If you are attentive, be a bit distant. If you bring her coffee in bed, stop. If you call/text during the day, stop. It's essentially a way to detach and forces them to realize what they are losing.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
I'm going to take a big leap here and say you are one those "nice guy" types who will try to do everything except what he needs to do with a wayward wife.
Take a look at what you said, and tell me if it even makes sense.
Quote:
As she no longer treats me like a human being and that she is not married then it should be. 50/50.
So, she treats you like cr@p and she's acting like a teenager. And what do you do about? Instead of addressing the true problem, you want to talk about her paying half of the expenses.
Do you even know what the problem is? As a former WW myself, I would say she has about zero respect for you as a man.....and she has been simply tolerating sex with you, and she basically wears the pants in the family, while you are the one who is more dependent on the MR. You don't do anything that might set her off and you'd rather leave the decisions up to her just so you don't have endure her anger. Am I hitting close to the anything familiar yet? Is there any resemblance of man you were before M?
Let me tell you something. She is no longer the girl you married. She has become an entirely different breed.....known as the wayward wife. Learn about it and how to address it. Look back at Cadet's post and see a thread about For Newcomer LBH's with a WW. I hope you'll read it. Another one is called Sandi's Rules, which has guidelines that may help you get started. All the threads on Cadets first post can be read while you're waiting on the book.
Sorry for your misery. Your M can be saved. You need to get all this information ASAP.
I hope you'll post often and stick with us. We would like to help. It is a wonderful board for support and advice.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W is having an affair. When we got together I had some money she had none, I had a much larger income than her. I had no issues with one bank account but she did, So I set up a Direct payment so she could do what she wanted. We had nice holidays and a nice life Roll foreword 7 years 2 children, house build....and in with a therapist, she used this as one of the main reasons why she strayed. She says she has no control of her own life, this included the money and the A has obviously given her this. She thinks. So she now has a new high paying job of 2 weeks. So I stop the direct transfer so she does not have to feel owing to me.
Tonight she goes off, why have I stopped the payment......... She says this is another decision I can take with out consulting her.... More control
What should I have done.
I am at a loss as to how to reply or not.
Edit - thread merged with original thread
Last edited by Cadet; 04/25/1507:30 PM. Reason: merge
Have you read those threads that were recommended?
It's fine to stop the direct deposits into her account. She has her own job now, so why should you continue to fill it? There is nothing to discuss with her.
She is wayward, and she is going to accuse you of trying to control her. Using the "control" acusation and guilting the LBH is straight out of the WW's handbook.
The point is not to do it as a way to control her, neither to punish her. You have decided you will not financially help support her A........and you need not have a discussion with her beforehand. There will probably be other decisions you will need to make that does not require her permission. If she has a fit, let her blow.......while you walk away. In other words, if she says you are controlling, don't stick around trying to convince her otherwise.
I suggest you waste no time in securing your financial accounts, b/c she will drain them. (Especially since you've made this bold step.) Take you name off her CC's, and anything else to protect yourself.
It is important that a man shows no fear of his WW. She must see him standing tall and firm. It is his inner strength (which includes being decisive, standing up to her, refusing to be a doormat, etc.) that women respect.
What 180's are you doing now? Do you have any plan of action in mind? Sometimes a newcomer will run it by the board first, until they get better grounded in DBing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Listen to sandi! She knows her stuff and her insight into the ww is incredible and helps me understand more in my situation. I'm definitely no expert but I want to encourage u to keep with it and things will get better for u with time. This forum and group is absolutely the best resource!
Sandi, if u have time could u review help with my thread? I'd love ur feedback on a ww that has already filed, continuing the affair and we still live together, making gal and lrt harder . . .
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Listen to Sandi! She knows her stuff and her insight into the ww is incredible and helps me understand more in my situation. I'm definitely no expert but I want to encourage u to keep with it and things will get better for u with time. This forum and group is absolutely the best resource!
Sandi, if u have time could u review help with my thread? I'd love ur feedback on a ww that has already filed, continuing the affair and we still live together, making gal and lrt harder . . .
Hi Stuart,
I completely agree with Ripken. Please, if you want to have a chance to DB, I highly recommend you follow Sandi's advice and take the time to answer her insightful questions.
My sitch is different than yours. My WAW did so 6 months ago and filed for divroce the next day. She has MS and gets extremely depressed. She claims she started feeling smothered by me. Long story short, as an example, I did get really concerned if she would want to drive after being in a terrible car crash in July 2013. I could see how that get annoying after time, but I've also had my therapist and women on this board say they wish their H were so concerned about their well-being. I think Sandi would say I suffer from "Nice Guy" syndrome.
My point is: I posted on the wrong forum at first and didn't know about all the great threads. I knew about Sandi's 37 rules, had read DR and DB but still was not detaching emotionally. I'm not sure if my wife will ever respect me again. But I've been getting great advice from many vets and newcomers on the board.
I don't think I've ever heard directly from Sandi--I'd love to sometime. Sandi, I know, there's only so much time in a day. LOL
Hang in there Stuart...you can do this but it will take time and patience.
Take care.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I read your story and it is mine to a tee. No joke, down to how you reacted. My wife said I was 'controlling' also. That statement in itself made me a flopping fish for months, I didn't want to do anything that appeared that way. Until I started to stand up for myself is where I saw our sitch change. I started to get better and she started to get worse. I never thought I could get here, but now I'm at the point that I accepted that I can't save my W from her own decisions and I realize that all I can do is sit back and be the best I can be for me and the kids.
Listen to sandi. It took me MONTHS for her advice to start to sink in. Here's a couple things off the cuff that I mucked up at first.
-- You can't win her back....she's in an A....until that's done it's like being in purgatory, no progress at all in either direction
-- Being considerate and accommodating will only backfire because she will take advantage of you.
--Take a deep breath, exhale and then focus on your kid(s)
--I took what she said to heart, too much. If you think about it, do you think that they say to their friends "Stuart was an awesome, caring, considerate guy; but I just got sick of him and had an affair." Of course not, they need to justify their actions in their head and to do it; they need to make you the villain in their head
--If your sitch is like mine, you'll see that their other connections will start to erode, friends, family, etc. and replaced with people that agree with them (Surprise people that don't know you or your marriage. See point above)
Stuart, we all know how you feel right now, I would not wish this on anyone. You will get better, you'll feel better, the light will start to shine in. The thing about it is that it will happen because of YOU, not because of W, or being M to her or not being M to her. It will take time. Hang in there bud.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
MCS really nailed it with this comment: --I took what she said to heart, too much. If you think about it, do you think that they say to their friends "Stuart was an awesome, caring, considerate guy; but I just got sick of him and had an affair." Of course not, they need to justify their actions in their head and to do it; they need to make you the villain in their head.
Although my W did not leave because of OM, she makes me the villian and lives now with her Mom who of course validates of all my W's revisionist history. MCS is right on about your W needing to justify her actions. That is what my W does, too.
As I wrote earlier tonight, hang in there Stuart...you can do this but it will take time and patience.
Do not let her walk all over you.
Regards,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
