What is it about when you see them you feel like a tornado hit you and everything positive is sucked right at of you.
Got home today and there was H. Looking his usually depressed unhappy self. It [censored] the life right out of me. He has been gone for 8 days with no word from him (we are separated but he comes to the house to pick up our child for school some days). I have been doing and feeling very positive then there he is and he makes me feel like I am making him be this unhappy depressed person.
Why do you feel that he's "making you" feel the way you do? Something I've been working with my IC for myself and my sitch is the concept of "you make me." Physically, people aren't making us do anything. It's more that we are reacting to something that is upsetting us.
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Trouble is he says when he is not around me he is fine and happy.
What he says, and what reality is could be two different things.
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So shouldn't he still be happy even though he stops by to pick up our child. How can he be happy and then when he sees me go all unhappy? He should still be happy I don't talk about our R or anything and remain my usual happy self. I feel like he is lying about being happy and fine when he is not around me I think its an act.
You're "shoulding" all over yourself. You're expecting him to react in a way that you feel is appropriate. As hard as it is (and this is something I struggle with daily), let go off the concept of how someone should react to a situation.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Ok we had it out last night. I am tired of playing the game of are we doing things together or not. Our child had a concert and in therapy we are suppose to be doing things together as H said he wanted to work on things (which he has never done yet). He said do you want to take him or me? I said why don't we go together. All through the concert he sat one chair away and walked clear away from me. So at end of night after our child had gone in the house I asked him if he wanted to continue being together and trying to do anything or not. I asked for a yes or no answer. He started screaming and yelling (predicted) and said I made him angry all the time and he is sick of arguing so No. I said fine, go file divorce papers. He said he wasn't filing any divorce papers and for me to do what I needed to do.
I am fine living separated thinking maybe in time he will come around or not but his checks are still being deposited in our bank account and I have our child all the time and I have good health insurance thru him so I am planning on doing nothing. Either he will file or do nothing also.
What is everyone's opinion do you think he will file? He is so angry. He makes fists and his hands shake even when he was driving to concert and I was in back sit and our child was in front seat and no one was talking. I don't understand all the anger he says its because of me. I don't know how.
What is everyone's opinion do you think he will file? He is so angry. He makes fists and his hands shake even when he was driving to concert and I was in back sit and our child was in front seat and no one was talking. I don't understand all the anger he says its because of me. I don't know how.
There is no way to know what he will do. His anger is at himself, projected on to you.
skhdive, If you truly don't mind being separated, I'd keep insurance, check, etc as they are if its in your benefit. However, I'd recommend in the meantime getting in order what you can to support yourself if one day H decides to make moves financially.
I wouldn't push divorce talk or tell him to go file out of anger. The wife of a couple we're friends with constantly said that to her WAH and he would tell me how it just made him more angry and distant. He's moved to another state where OW is and as far as I know they still haven't filed. I think with these situations where no immediate divorce talks have been done, its each spouse trying to hold out to not be the one who filed.
What eventually led my W to move into her rental was I came off as needy sexually. I continued to pursue her and it drove her further away emotionally. Now I'm semi LRT and its like she's went LRT too. What made her make her finances separate was when she found out I was making mine separate. So this is just a quick summary of how things went with me. I'm no vet so I'm not saying they are right or wrong, just FYI.
I wish you the best in your journey. I'm still in mine with no resolve yet.
Me:30 W:34 M:8 T:9 D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1 D bomb: 8/2014 S 12/2014 PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
I wonder why he thinks it is me. Is this some sort of guilt? yes I agree detaching is best. Just hard some days still even though they treat us so bad and are mean. I feel like a glutton for punishment. I better snap my head around.
Thanks for the advice. So I think you are saying go dark and don't mention divorce talk and just let him be and see what he does? Sounds like a good plan. I am going to try it. I think it was just hard for me because I kept expecting us to do stuff together because that is what he would say in therapy and then outside of therapy I would wait and nothing ever came of it so then I would ask why at least now I have closure on that part.
I wonder why he thinks it is me. Is this some sort of guilt?
It is not guilt. He thinks its you because you are the closest thing around him, and he knows you the best. He is in DENIAL and it can't be him! So who should it be if it is not him, you are next in line. Detaching sometimes works because what happens when you are not around anymore, then he may have no choice but to look in the mirror at himself.
I hate to hijack Cadet but I respect your opinion so much. Could you take a look at my thread - Letting Go by Heavy D. I am not sure what to make of it.
