WAS asked for divorce today.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm truly sorry you are in such pain. It just sukks.

But before you get all feisty and let your righteous anger steer you onto a path that won't yield you the results you say you want, look at your own insights...

and here is an ironic admonition, "remember to avoid amnesia" about your role in all this.

Otherwise, the terrible pain of this ordeal will not yield the single upside to all this, which is personal growth & self awareness.

Thank you each for all of all of the insight you have provided!

I am still quite new at all of this and it is overwhelming to try and respond adequately, especially with work not quite two hours from now and me wanting to respond fresh off of having read your responses.

First off, I politely declined the invitation from my coworker to go to a concert last night, and no bridges were burned. She made it clear that she wanted a date and that made me especially sure that I wanted to keep about my own business! I agree that I am in no way ready to spend any one on one time with any member of the opposite sex!

Good choice on your part. The separation is very recent. I'm NOT clear on the dates of all this b/c you don't list the date of the bomb.

But you do say herein, that troubles began a few years ago...yet the recency of the separation makes me think dating (on either party's part) is pretty wacky.

I have a lot, no, a TON to think about here.

W texted me the other day (before I posted all of my most recent postings) and asked me if I was dating. I said no. I asked her if she was and she said yes.


May I suggest you demure next time she asks if you are dating and NOT to ask her anything about her social life. There are plenty of good insightful "I care about you as a person" type of questions to ask, like about her work or school or family or friends.


I asked her who was the lucky guy and she declined to share.

Ouch...please don't ask her about it again b/c NO answer is a "good one" for you.


She proceeded to say I should be dating. I responded that I will do so when I am ready and the time is right.
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I am seeing that perhaps I need to really adjust my thinking about all of this, which is exactly why I'm here. Having a divorce thrust upon me after all of the GREAT times we did have seems like something that requires an answer or response on my part, but I also see where doing so could do more harm than good in my relationship with her.

the legal response need not be mean or nasty at all. It's simply a reply. Silence is also a reply, and it's probably not the one you want to give.


I am angry about all of this. Sad and angry and somewhat bewildered. The saddest part is that she must have been hurting a whole lot to get to this point, and I think my "keeping score" contributed to that pain.

No need to hate yourself for it, but it's KEY that you recall this when you get cheered on by other angry folks in your life who want you to "get MAD!" b/c they were/are, which will NOT help you in any way towards any goal

and when you begin a new R with your wife (or OW) so that you don't find yourself here again.

Plus, Realizing that she was in deep pain (clearly true) which you either didn't see --- or saw - but glossed over, b/c "fixing it later" was just easier than dealing with it then and there,

will keep you aware and sensitive, without being a doormat. It always baffles me to see people really dig deep and "get it" about their shortcomings, only to throw it out the window when their ego gets too bruised.


As I said, the only upside to this whole nightmarish ordeal is growth and self improvement. That's not likely when we get angry and filled with self righteousness.


It is a terrible feeling to feel responsible for pushing your wife away one day at a time. The part that makes me angry is that I failed to see this coming until the bomb was dropped. I really thought I could "fix" this and that we were just going through a tough phase and that we would find our path and things would get back to the good, productive, happier times we both enjoyed.

Not to parse words too much, but what was it you believed needed "fixing", if the bomb was really the first time you realized she was unhappy? Can you recall?

IF so, how would you handle that differently, now?

I'm also angry because she seems to be holding up the divorce proudly like a banner to me as if I were so terrible and she is finally free,

If I'm hearing you, you're saying she's a lot more at peace with this than you. That makes sense. But if you are saying she is "proudly" holding it up, I'm unclear. To whom is she doing this and is it more b/c she must justify leaving a marriage that others thought was fine, or is it simply that you are hurt she isn't torn apart by a decision she has reached, (probably after a lot of time & thought)?

The LBSer is usually stunned (& more hurt) by the certainty some WAS's show in their choice. But to the WAS, it's not a "dilemma" and they are not torn, b/c they have given this a lot of thought that the LBSer did not know about.


aNew guy, it's not that she thinks it was all terrible. But why would she NOW think of all the good times?

Those good memories need to resurface and they will, when she has the time and space to reflect on good moments, when her choices are NOT being challengeed b/c the more you challenge her choices, the more she is forced to defend them...

But know this: there are songs and places and foods and fragrances and events and holidays and people that will remind her of YOU and the marriage and many will be good memories...and if not, if she was unhappy for more of the marriage than you realized,

than so be it. You cannot change that now.

All you can do is change who you are when you are around her. But if your perception of the past is accurate, then you want her to recall the good moments and to believe that there'd be more of those good moments and few or none of the bad times.

Make sense?


while I am just extremely sad over the whole situation and wish I could find a way to right all that I did wrong.

Yes, I was judgmental and I was always trying to "fix" things that weren't broken. I can be a perfectionist, and when something came up where I felt my experience would benefit her I made it known. She often came back at me with phrases like "You are talking to me like you're my father".


telling someone that your experience might benefit them...well, how does that sound to you, now?


I really wish the board rules here didn't prohibit an occasional cuss word because just thinking about what a tool I have been in all of this makes me want to cuss out loud!!

I can't imagine what it would have been like for her to live with a husband who acted in that manner toward his wife, good intentions or not. We had a lot of laughter and we shared a whole bunch of good times, but one night about three years into our marriage we got into an argument over something which we couldn't resolve at the time, and things have slowly but surely snowballed downhill from that point.

So, are you saying that you are less bewildered now?

It makes me sad to think she likely feels that she is not what I need, is not right for me, that she is somehow doing me a favor because I feel I spent too much time tending the weeds in our garden instead of tending the roses. That's perhaps the hardest part in all of this is knowing that by FAILING TO FOCUS ON ALL THE BLESSING THAT WAS OCCURRING ALL AROUND US, and focusing instead on the unimportant minor frustrations like the doing of the dishes and similar stuff, I really choked out the good in our marriage and I believe that is my part in all of this, or at least the core of it.

This^^ is a brutally sad realization, but it's a valuable one. Don't lose sight of it when you start to feel anger. It's too painful a lesson to throw away.

I want now to focus on recognizing these destructive behaviors for what they are and replacing them with better, much more productive and user-friendly behaviors.


This^^ is THE REAL GOAL of Dbing for you at this time. Make the most of it.

I have a long way to go, clearly.


Thank you each for your input, your insightful responses hit home with me and I feel like are the beginnings of answered prayers. I don't know how it is possible to go through life so blind to our own problems and yet see someone else's so clearly. My eyes need more opening.

I recall being here 8-10 years ago and wondering how in the world so many people (half of all marriages, after all) could walk around and not cry all the time. How'd they go to work and do their jobs? How'd they drive a car?

Heck, there were times i wondered how they got out of bed, b/c I sure didn't feel like it.

But we do get up, we do drive our cars and go to work and somehow, generally, we function and we make progress and keep one foot in front of the other.

And we grow. And we love again...and we laugh again, and so will you.


I intend to put all of my energy into me, none of it going out toward her right now, and any energy going out will be toward GAL and becoming the best man I can be! And fir the next nine hours or so, toward me job!

^^ Good idea

Thank you all for your insights and please don't let up. I am still asking for prayer for my wife, myself and my marriage that we would learn what God is trying to teach us and become what He is trying to make us.

Amen!