Ive been married for nearly 4 years together for 7, I have a nearly 4 year old boy and a step daughter of 9. Both for my wife and I this is our second marriages.
We had an exciting, solid, full filling marriage (or so I thought)
In december 2014 I felt some change in my wife.but not sure. Her phone became sacred, no longer letting the children have it.
In jan 15 i would often find myself waking in the middle of the night to see the glow of the phone screen. I asked about this to be told I was paranoid.
In feb 15 my wife starting acting more and more odd especialy on the evening my daughter did sport. My W would make sure that I was busy with my son. On one occasion i swung past the gym hall to see a guy getting up from the table she was sitting at, leaving a coat and disappering. On asking her whose coat she denied all knowledge. I left as I knew she was lying and I had my son in the car. I asked her direct and she said only a friend.......
I thought otherwise. with some questioning and sleepless nights some of the affair came out, Told it was nothing only meeting, an emotional affair. She said she new there was no future in it and that she would be the hurt one out it. She said she ended it.
I suggested going to see someone to talk openly. My wife chose a therapist who listened to her tell the story from her perspective for one hour, he gave me 15 mins and had already made his mind up about the problem. ME. I was told i was to good,helping around the house, always helping her when she came to me with a problem, (A fixer) but thats me.
My wife when we met seemed like a strong independant woman, but she was not, She is highly intelligent and had suffered a sexual trauma in early childhood with a family member, with teenage years in the depths of Anorexia and Bulema and is very high emotional maintenance, always seeking reassurance, very looks focused....... But fast foreward a few weeks and following on from 2 more sessions individualy things looked like they may have been getting back on track.
Until last week. She had changed again recently slipping back into being loving one minute and cold the next. I had been trying to be up beat about life, smiling playing with the kids, "letting her be" to sort her dramas her self.
Until last thursday morning i tried a code on her locked phone. (never done this before, but what had happened before made me look) and yes BOMB.
Texts and pictures of our house, our childrens bedrooms including one of the stairs with the text (I bet you would like to F*&k me on those) text about a voice message my son and W had done.......
I confronted my wife with anger and disbelief, my wife tried to grab the phone back and i pushed her away. I went down stairs, my children were having breakfast and with shouting we argued, W saying it was nothing just flirty joke texts. me not understaning, my daughter asking what was going on and me telling her. (I AM NOT PROUD OF THAT)
I went away for a night and when I came back my wife was all over me and then instantly cold again. She says she has now night mares that I am chasing her and she is scared. I have never lifted a finger to her, our children or any other human being. She seems to be deamonising me. I feel lost.
I am in the UK and want to speak with someone but due to time difference this may be difficult.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Cadet will be along in a bit with an extensive welcome message with a lot of outstanding information. When you get it, read it all. It will help.
Second, find your own counselor. If your wife is in an active affair (and she is), then marriage counseling will not help. Marriage counseling only helps when both spouses are all in. but you sound like you need someone who will hear you and give you better perspective.
I am so sorry you're living this. It's no fun. But if you're willing, you can come through this better and stronger than you ever knew you could be, whether your marriage is saved or not.
Best to you.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
My situation was almost exactly like yours. Sadly, my situation is ending in divorce, BUT it's completely for the best. It took me months, some counseling and a solid understanding of everything to realize that.
BUT the best advice I can give you, is to GAL. Get a life, go do things that you never would have done, talk to friends you haven't seen in a while. Enjoy time with your children and make some new memories.
In January, I was battling cancer and dealing with a WW. She didn't give a damn about me, our kids or anything else, just her affair(s). I was so close to ending it all, just to be done with the pain, confusion, anger. Instead, I read DB/DR and went a different route.
My WW has been gone since V-Day (she moved out on it, how appropriate) and for the first few weeks I was a wreck. About a month ago (maybe a little longer) I ended up realizing that I don't need her. That I no longer want her. That she can do whatever she wants in life and as long as my children are safe, then I am happy. I have met new people, I enjoy my hobbies, I enjoy my time. I have started dating (this is still a hurdle) and it's been amazing. And you know what my WW thinks about all of this? Who cares what she thinks! She is the one who left!
Life is a fickle b!tch, have fun, enjoy it and make the best of a crappy situation.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
I think I will just go away for a week or so and see how she copes. She spoke only last week about booking a 6 week family trip to OZ next year. On Sunday she came onto as if we had not been together ever, full on passion. Don't understand apart from what I have read. Thinking about phone counselling.
Counselling session with new advisor. My choice and it comes out the huge amount of baggage she is carrying around and she pins this all on existing long term relationship over time. Which sinks it, then she looks for a way out through affair. Should have come with a health warning.
I now pay all the bills, she has a new job with a good income , what is the best way to ask W to pay half? As she no longer treats me like a human being and that she is not married then it should be. 50/50.
