When the bomb first dropped we talked about this quite a bit and as you might expect the answers were many and varied. This was before I implemented a 180. It’s also worth noting that we separated for several months 5 ½ years ago. At that time I did not know about the 180 and I basically pushed her out (which forced a 180) and she came back after being on her own (and sharing placement) for 2 ½ months.
Anyway, I would say that the reason she interested in D now are similar to before. Her love languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service. I can admit that I lost sight of this. For her part, instead of reminding me that this was important, she let resentment build up. This resentment led to the typical emotional distance and unfulfilling physical intimacy. What she revealed is that she doesn’t know if she can get over the resentment (she says she’s shut part of herself off). Of course when I hear this I try to remind myself of Sandi’s rules “believe none of what she says.” And I just validated for her that this must be really tough on her.
For me a 180 is to spend more quality time with her and show her acts of service. But, by doing this, it seems at times that I am actually doing the negative of a prescribed 180. I.E., in order to show her quality time, I have to spend time with her. Although, I am trying to do this in moderation. I.E., I truly make it about quality instead of quantity and then after some time I excuse myself.
Am I doing this right? What are my next steps? Why did she call me at work on Monday (just to be nice) and then nothing has happened since then?
