I am on day 20 of no porn or masturbation. Trying to control that side of me. This has always been a problem. Last year I went almost two months with nothing and started again, going to make it stick this time. I'm really just feeling exhausted from everything. Trying to really see if I would even want to save my M, or if I eber really did anyway.
I believe part of me was gone long ago too, and it was just the thought of holding on, because I was scared to let go if anything. Scared of change, scared of new surroundings, and scared of being unable to make it on my own. I keep thinking I made it fine before, but things are a bit different yet. More debt, more bills, kids, a lot of stuff I didn't have before her. But I just don't have a choice in this matter.
The hardest thing I'm finding is getting the energy to just get out and do anything. The worst thing is letting go of the power that they have. I gave her the power the moment I messed up and she left. I still think, how is this going to affect her, what can I do to make her happy. What a vicious cycle that is. I know I can't make her happy, I want to totally shut my heart off like she has, and move on, but something keeps pulling me back in. Think about a future without and be fine one minute and freaking out the next. Normal behavior to a point, but it's totally got me wrecked. All I can do is keep telling myself, you have to do it.
