The fallout of all this is so tough, especially for the kids, my 13 year old son has been suicidal, and through talking with him and the IC, like you, I had NO idea how bad it was while I was at work. There were two times I had to remove him from the house when I was there to intervene. But a lot more went on.
I have been reviewing the past, and questioning my path and choices through that time. People have helped me not beat myself up about my choices, because, we do the best we can with what we have and know at the time, it's already done, can't change it - rather learn from it and move forward.
And that learning and moving forward is critical, as LT said.
I recently read a great article, google: "For the Left Behind Spouse" that articulated things nicely and I liked how she closed it, it echoes what LT said, and my own experience:
Quote:
You stop being the person who something was done to. You start creating a life you love, piece by piece, and it's authentic and genuine and fortified with the strength of your experience and sheer will to transcend bitterness and disappointment -- to step into the world fully. You thought you could never risk losing again, but now you know you can handle anything; so you dare to be yourself, dare to try new things, dare to love again.
I'm never going to present divorce as some path to enlightenment or positively transformative process. It's just too damn hard, especially for the kids. But, life must go on and as with so many traumatic events, at some point it's critical to stop being defined by this. The shift is subtle but profound -- from passive victim to sovereign human being. The process of creating a life on your own terms, in your own time, with the resources you have and the tools you've acquired begins the moment you choose to shed your identity as the "left behind spouse."
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
