W dropped bomb March 16. EA with OM. Initially there was talk of divorce, first by me (I was reactionary and not yet following DR). Oh, this is the second EA in 5 years. I gave her ultimatums, tried to pull her closer, etc. As you might have guessed that backfired and on April 10, W told me she had seen a lawyer and wanted a divorce.
April 12, she broke down, while I did not yet know about DR or 180's I was trying to detach anyway and followed some of those guidelines.
April 13, she said she wanted to wait on talking to lawyers. April 14, I discovered 180's and am implementing those as best as I can. We are not separated and she is still sharing a bed. I am trying to GAL and always be happy and upbeat around her. We have two young daughters.
Reflecting on a little over a week of this, there has been some positive progress, for example, she's been nicer to me, I've seen a little bit of vulnerability, she wants to do things as a family and she even called me at work on Monday (although she had to leave a voice mail, which I didn't get until Tuesday).
I haven't brought up our relationship or the EA. We chat every morning over coffee usually about our daughter's logistic stuff or what our work day might look like (should I stop doing this?)
Today over coffee, our relationship sort of came up. I suppose I started it, but not intentionally, and not with something controversial, but she took it and ran with it a bit. I tried to just listen and validate. She revealed that she is torn and very stressed out. She's torn because she has shut me out and shutdown in certain ways in our marriage and she's not sure if she can "turn those things back on." I just listened and tried to validate by saying, "this must be really hard on you."
I desperately need help with my next step and how to approach the 180's. I am not saying I love you, there is no physical affection, I am doing my best to GAL (within the confines of parenting two young kids). For me it's been a 180 to be interested in her work-day, so I do listen about that quite a bit, but is that a mistake? Am I giving her too much of myself by doing this?
She has not mentioned anything about reconciliation, nor the OM. All I know at this point is that she doesn't seem convinced that she wants a D.
