My First Break, Light Shines Yonder

[Pyrite]

I had my 2nd custody mediation session today. Since Sep. I have been lucky enough to enjoy 50/50 custody of the kids. So far my W has made no suggestion that she is about to challenge this. Nevertheless I have been anxious about it, waiting for the other shoe to drop. An added complication is that her NEW life somewhat requires relocating to the other side of the city. I have been searching for options that might satisfy her so that I keep my 50% custody. Today she was finally agreeable to at least discuss my suggestions. So this could end up working out quite well for me. Well the best I can hope for in this miserable situation. I am still hesitant to consider this a done deal, but I will enjoy it while it lasts. But that isn't the only reason I have had a great afternoon.

I initiated mediation not long after Sep. as W was unwilling discuss anything real, and custody was the most important thing for me to resolve. D4 is due to start school next year so we need to resolve relocation fairly urgently. Being so raw I advised the mediator that I would prefer separated mediation. I was considering revoking this at this session in the interests of expediting negotiation. However, I decided against requesting this as I could not only damage my DB/LRT/dark stance, but hurt my custody position as well. Anyway, SHE requested this as our face-face encounter last week was amicable enough. I could hardly refuse, and honestly I was glad because I feel that I have come far enough that I could deal with it.

Well, thanks to everyone here who deserve the credit for giving me this much. Especially Zeus, Cadet and my mortal enemy MrBond. I walked out of their feeling great. There were a few tense moments, with the mediator stepping in to stop the conversation, but generally it all went really well. From the outset the mediator surprised me by telling my W that whilst you can't understand why the two of you can't be friends already, you have to accept that this is emotionally difficult for your H as the rejected spouse. Wow - this summed up half of my animosity towards my W. I am angry that she ended the marriage and this is sometimes hard to contain, especially when baited. And here, the mediator expressed everything for me in one introductory statement, meaning for me that I didn't need to get angry and try to make this point. I felt a weight lift from my shoulders, I dint feel the anxiety that I was going to "lose it" to express this.

The funny thing is that W was more stressed and argumentative than me. On several occasions I got the opportunity to diffuse the situation by acknowledging that she was right, or had a good point and I wouldn't do that anymore, or promised to better listen to her comments, questions and be more patient. There were several things that I suggested I was willing to do to support the situation. I even made several jokes, made her and the mediator laugh and made light entertaiing conversation with W while mediator was busy writing. In general W was noticeably taken aback by how cooperative and well I was dealing with this. She was expecting to have a fight on her hands, and I was actually pleasant and helpful. I even had the opportunity to suggest that I'm sorry I was like that a month ago, I'm not interested in proceeding that way now. At the same time though I never really had to say that I had moved on. Not that I strictly have, but the impression I gave was that I have.

And the best part for me was that afterwards I felt like my performance in the afternoon actually gave me the confidence to really move on and consider this future we had been planning without fear. Even excitement. I forget who said it, maybe Toots, but "being open to reconciliation is not the same as waiting". I am appreciating this more and more.

Now - the question for you guys. I would like to be helpful and suggest how she should proceed so she doesn't have to take time off needlessly and even options I could be flexible to accept. Apart from sincerely wanting to help her, wanting my M back, and circumventing several layers of toing and froing, we can cut to the chase faster and my custody sitch is preserved. But is this sucky, too much contact?