MY STORY IS UGLY BUT AT LEAST IM LEARNING

[Zues126]

Thanks for sharing.

The good news is that you're learning a few things that DON'T work. Hyper activity in hobbies is a way to escape. As is porn.

So too can be anything outside of ourselves.

I am not saying you shouldn't be a good dad or good partner.

What I'm saying is it would be nice to get to the point where you didn't have to "distract" yourself, or escape the here and now.

Because avoiding, escaping, distracting...that's all about trying to not have to feel how you're feeling.

Porn and other medications are very tempting because like drugs they immediately change the way we feel.

So if you feel bad, you either have to distract or medicate.

The problem with what you're doing right now is that it's not changing the way you feel. You're being a "good boy" by not medicating, good job. You're trying to be a "good boy" and pursue healthier distractions.

But you're doing this with the expectation that if you're a "good boy" it will make you feel better, some way, some how.

But feeling better takes more than the absence of medication and distraction. You have to keep digging to find out why you feel something is wrong in the absence of something else.

And you don't have much time. Because what's going to happen is if you don't change the way you feel deep down you'll get increasingly frustrated that you're "pure" lifestyle isn't working for you, and you'll be in a lot of pain, and you'll be hopeless, and bored, and defeated...and you'll finally figure that hell, you feel terrible anyway, might as well medicate and have a little fun along the way. Maybe you're just incapable of being normal like everyone else. Who cares? This feels good now.

So you're on the right track with your behavior. Now keep going. How do you feel when you're not doing something to keep busy? What's your default state? Why?

Keep posting.