Maybell XXXIV: Expecto Patronum!

[Maybell]

I had a fantastic weekend. Really great. Kids were with their dad and everything I did this weekend was with lovely encouraging friends.

Kids came home clearly having missed me and home a ton. STBX stuck around for about an hour and a half packing the last of his cr... Stuff to take back to his apartment. I avoided him completely.

The boys were clinging to me, kissing me, hugging me even while he was there. Given they were only gone literally 48 hours I'm not sure what that was about. It was excessive compared to other weekends.

D12 was terribly surly, but spent a couple of hours clearing up her room for the house to sell. After I got the boys to bed she curled up in my lap and apologized very nicely and said sadly that she doesn't want to sell the house. I was really honest with her. Said I don't want to either but that these were consequences her dad had chosen for us. That this is why it's important to honor your commitments -- because it really impacts people when you don't and it's not fair or kind to make other people suffer for ones own lack of commitment. I said that her dad had broken my heart but that if I had to choose between never getting my heart broken and not having her and her brothers or having my heart broken and having the three of them in my life, that I would choose a broken heart and three great kids.

She said "we gave you something to live for."

I said, "well, I know you remember what I was like when Dad first left. It's not that you gave me something to live for, but you guys were an important reason why I knew I had to learn to be happy again."

Then I told her every person is responsible for their own happiness, but they couldn't seek it at anyone else's expense. That you must find your happiness in a way that does not harm others.

I don't know how much of that she understood. she did very greatly relax in my lap as I was telling her all that so I know it mattered to her. I hope she actually heard what I meant.

[claire7]

Maybell,

Do you see the same amazing change in your D and your R with her that I see?

[Maybell]

Yes, it's been 1000 times better since that awful night. And things with the boys are generally better too.

I am not even close to the same woman I was in my marriage. I think I have many of you here to thank for that.

I've been thinking a lot about when I stopped working, which is a bit of a complicated story. It was before we had kids, but for several reasons. Some of them were that I was kind of lost at that point in my life, and "can't" came too easily. Some of them were to accommodate him.

I'm a little bit ashamed of who I was then. I bear very little relation to that woman now, I'm pleased to say.

I've been thinking also of our financial situation over the years. It surprised me to realize that for 10-12 years I had no idea what he made and very little idea of what we spent, although I did try to be frugal. I could not say, for example, what our mortgage payment was for three of our houses. Six months in to our marriage he didn't want to go over the monthly budget with me anymore, and since he kept the finances, that was that. I did the best I could in the dark. I'd say "Can we afford X?" And he'd say "Yes," and that was that.

We did ok till he overreached on our house on the west coast. And it was when I finally demanded (several times) the means to monitor our finances that he decided sleeping around was a good idea. (This is what I learned in January.)

I am ashamed I didn't work longer in the marriage. I guess I thought we were making team decisions that would pay off in the long run. And yet, if I had made different choices, would it have mattered? At one point he wanted to move to Australia (and later, Amsterdam), and when I asked him to wait till I'd finished the master's degree I was working on at the time, he had a huge tantrum and said he felt trapped. So I think I would have had to give up my work at some point anyway.

And I did oversee a huge home renovation that ultimately netted us an enormous profit. So it's not as though I didn't contribute.

I'd like to ask forgiveness for squandering those two years. And yet some of the reason I didn't go on and fill them the way I'd intended was to accommodate him.

Sigh. I can't change the past. I think I'm going to have to just forgive myself.

[Wonka]

Maybell,

One of the positives about DBing and getting a divorce is that those issues are brought up to the surface and forces us to view them with a clearer lenses. In this way, we learn valuable lessons about ourselves and clarifies what we want in the next partner. During my own journey, I was very mindful of my responsibility to watch out for potential and real "red flags" in each of my dates/girlfriends.

Throughout the process, it allowed me to refine what I truly want and need in a partnership. In fact, I wrote down a list of qualities, attributes, and characteristics I want in my next partner/marital partner. There is this girl that I really, really like now that meets almost all of those attributes. Additionally, I've sat back and observed her interactions with others--friends, waiters, cashiers, family members. I like what I see and I think she's a real keeper.

This gal is so different from Ms. Wonka and my other girlfriends. It is truly refreshing and rewarding to truly enjoy this woman's gifts. Mind you, I am practical in knowing that she has some flaws and my eyes are wide open. Heck, she's been unknowingly under my magnifying glass. That is the one great benefit from DBing is an enhanced or hightened sense of awareness. I guess it is a direct result of having one's innocence be completely stripped when your spouse has an affair.

It is a matter of determining which baggage you can accept and tolerate in the other person. Trust me, MB, you will get there in time. You'll find a man who is your equal in many ways and incredibly supportive of you as a woman and wife.

[Maybell]

Jeepers, Betsey, what else do you know about me?

I need some career advice about dealing with a passive-aggressive, gaslighting boss. I can't run. Help?

Oh, and STBX pushed back on the schedule change, I simply said no again, and he dealt with it. And now he's being super friendly. I'm so sick of this. Is it possible for me to somehow get him even further away from me?

[Wonka]

Maybell,

You might want to get this book for workplace issues.

How To Say It At Work by Jack Griffin (also recommend How To Say It Best)

The book contains sections on how to deal with supervisors.

[Wonka]

Oh, and STBX pushed back on the schedule change, I simply said no again, and he dealt with it. And now he's being super friendly. I'm so sick of this. Is it possible for me to somehow get him even further away from me?

Try wearing garlic....

[Maybell]

Thanks, Wonka.

D12 acting like the possessed again. I'm so tired of being screamed at. I worry that she's too self-important. Not enough empathy and self-awareness. And then I know she's only 12 and her world is rocking but she won't admit it upsets her. I envy those of you with open articulate children who describe clearly what they are worried about.

[Maybell]

Not a fun evening.

I don't have the wisdom to be a good single parent. Nor do I have a decent parenting partner to help me.

I wish I were better at this. It hurts. I don't know how to cope. D12 doesn't do as I say (go to bed, help with dishes, don't change into your pajamas till we're done with this whatever) till she's argued for a couple of hours and stood there screaming, blame shifting, nagging, and kicking things over.

Sometimes I feel like I live in the center of a hurricane. Like STBX's disrespect for me (longstanding and highly exploited by D even 5-6 years ago) has rubbed off on her. Now she treats me like that too, and it's going to be a long uphill battle to teach her not to. With mis-steps and frustrations on the way. And I really don't know what to do.

Other times she's a wonder -- sweet, helpful, talkative, whatever.

I *know* there's a lot on her mind, some from our witch some from being 12. But that doesn't excuse her from self-control and just knowing how to pick her battles. Her brothers are "pick your battles" pros. She acts like every single argument is a life and death cage fight. I can't live like this. But this is my life. I've got to figure it out.

And tomorrow at the office is going to be another long, drawn-out fun fest. I wish I was wiser.

[lost18]

MB, from what it sounds like you've basically been a single parent for 12 years. You do have the wisdom and you are a great mom. I remember having really tough days with my S (now 19) the screaming, yelling, crying, fighting. I always felt like a horrible mom and knew I should be doing things differently. Looking back there is soooo much I wish I would have done differently. I'm still not good at the parenting thing, but luckily my D's are a lot easier.

The only thing I can suggest is have a plan and be consistent. Don't give in because it's easier than the fight. Follow through, don't make a punishment that you can't enforce or one that is too extreme because you were so angry. (all the opposite of what I did with S19!)

As far as work..."act as if!"