I still want to save my marriage. Just talked with my db coach. She said I need to stick with the going dark and lrt like cadet mentioned. Also not to make her feel guilty or attack her. Have short positive interactions and be the best dad possible. Hopefully those changes have an impact and she starts to question. Not bend over and take things but also not be cold and silent. Said she didn't feel I was emotionally ready for the after the lrt yet. What are your thoughts wonka?
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Also. I've told her on two different conversations tonight that I want divorce well , not screw her and go through a mediator together vs a lawyer. She said that's what she wants too. It's really been the first open communication and conversation we've had since December when she first told me she wasn't in love with me. I want to stand strong and told her while she's living in the same house she has to come back every night. Won't explain that to the boys. She agreed. Really need help to balance taking a stand, gaining respect back but no pushing so far that she gets angry and no longer wants to mediate. Especially because she hired a lawyer without telling me because she was unsure how I would react and felt I would retaliate. Also trying to protect myself financially even though I still want not need too have this marriage in a direction of healing
Here is a script for YOU to keep in the back pocket for the next time W brings up this type of talk. If you cannot do this in person, then write an email to W.
You need to know that a D isn't what I want, but I will not stand in your way nor help with the paperwork. I am not willing to live an an open marriage with the OM in the picture. It is extremely disrespectful to me. I am willing to work with you on the M should you decide to end things with OM.
You need to know that we WILL NOT be friends after a D. Meanwhile, I will be cordial and respectful on logistics related to the children. I will continue to support the children by paying money in a joint account for their needs. Our family money is not to be used to fund your ongoing affair with the OM.
Oh yeah...W will get ANGRY and spew. Because WAW wants to continue have it both ways: a H at home and OM on the side.
Just put on your spew jacket and say, "I am sorry you feel this way. I am not going to apologize for making a stand on our M and taking steps to protect us against a predator."
What I meant by that is I don't want it to be ugly. I don't want a divorce but can't stop her from pursuing one. So if that's what happens I want it to be as fair and unemotional when it comes to finalizing decisions on finances and our kids as possible. I'm worried if I take his approach now after tellin her this last night she will pursue an ugly divorce. My coach said this week stick with lrt would be a big 180 for her. I did tell her last night already we couldn't be friends. So not sure what to do.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Well I said specifically I don't know if I was capable of that. Right now if I have this script with her and she's still staying in the house it's not goin to have an effect. She will say I don't want to work on the marriage which is why I filed and then feel she has to protect herself and lawyer harder. My db coach is saying that doin the lrt going dark and bein upbeat and positive still seems like the best course because it is a 180 and can help maintain open and honest communication that we haven't had since December and also build up some trust in her end.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
It does not have to be ugly. You need to know that how W reacts is all ON HER. You are not responsible for how she behaves or react when you calmly state your boundary. You are paralyzed by fear.
Fear of her reaction. Which is weird since she's already fired you as a H. You've "lost" W to speak.
Telling her that you don't want a D, but won't stand in her way communicates to her your position and you are not getting in her way. See the difference?
Yes, continuing with LRT is the way to go. Don't do any activities together...with kids, or alone together.
You do need to take charge of your finances. Otherwise she could very well clean out all the accounts.
How does not standing in her way not blatantly say "you and your lawyer will have time to build up your case I'm just going to stick my head in the sand"
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Yes she fired me as a husband but how does this do any good? If I got fired and told my ex boss "I'm not going to put up with this anymore but if you want to rehire me I'll listen" they'll say "hey idiot we fired u. Move on". I see this as different. She fired me as her husband but maybe through open communication lrt, being positive and not attacking her or making her feel guilty she starts to question what she'd be giving up. I'm not suggesting in doin this that I be her friend or spend time together, certainly not pursue. I'm just questioning the effectiveness of this today
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
How does not standing in her way not blatantly say "you and your lawyer will have time to build up your case I'm just going to stick my head in the sand"
I think you misunderstand what this line really means:
I don't want a D, but won't stand in your way.
It communicates to W in not so many words that her choice to initiate a D is a bad idea, but you respect her decision. She's free to do whatever she wants to do. Yet at the time time she hears you saying that you don't want a D.
Won't stand in her way is communicating to her that you heard her and she's free to do the filing. However, you will not do any of her leg work nor help her with this process.
It is not sticking your head in the sand. Simply put: you inform her of your position. Nothing more, nothing less.
Many LBSes have used this line. It is honest and authentic.
And to clarify, by not getting in her way I just don't pick up the papers at her lawyers office that I have 21 days to respond to? What happens if I don't sign or respond?
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
