Alpha Step At A Time #5

[alpha99]

Hi toots,

Thank you for your comments, I really do appreciate your opinion and feedback.

Oh how I've wished I wasn't here, and I've cried, plead, had sleepness nights, said and done stupid things. You're right, three months isn't so long considering the rest of your life. I think I'm at the stage though where I like the idea of family as a means of stability for myself and the children. If none of this had happened We'd still be plodding on in our everyday lives. But it has happened, and I've been a mess, and I've missed her so much, spent the days wondering how to be when we next meet etc. Recently though my feelings have been changing, and no doubt this last week with the girl I'm seeing tonight has moved that on quicker, but I have seen a growth in myself that would never have otherwise happened. I'm doing things Ive never done before, my confidence is growing, and I feel like life is good. I spend time with my kids, I've bonded more closely with certain family members, I've become independent, and less and less I've missed my wife, thought about her etc.

I was going to say if she knocked on my door right now I wouldn't take her back so quickly, maybe not all. In fact though, she called as I started writing this post asking for a selfish favour. We are being cordial but she has hurt me so incredibly much. OK, I'm not saying the last few weeks has wiped away 10 years together but a lot if reflection is leading me in the direction of thinking I am outgrowing that old relationship. My W doesnt get jokes, isn't into discussing politics, doesn't share many interests.

Yes, I loved her despite all those things...but we did bicker and argue daily. My shock ably sudden life changes meant I did all the typical things, and W has even said she half thinks my reaction was partly just a fear of being alone. Maybe she was right, maybe she was talking cr@p, but I can truly say today I'm not scared of being alone. I know in time I could meet someone else. Maybe tonight is the start of that, maybe it will just be a one off. Either way I just don't think I can hang on any longer waiting for something I sense will never come. If it is going to come then it will have to come to me as my days of pursuing are over. Yeah, I've read miracle turnarounds from unlikely places but like I said, in each of those sitches from the start I've seen flickers of life, ve it a confused text, refusing to move out, being uncertain over feelings. Like I wrote before, W has shown zero of that.

I don't want to take any shortcuts in going through this process but I also don't want it to define my life. I have nothing but respect for you toots that you are ploughing on in your life whilst still standing for your marriage.

If in 6 months time or whenever things had somehow magically turned around I'd gladly quote these posts and eat my words. I am (A knowledge aside) usually a good judge of situations and of reading people. Of course I know my W intimately, and whilst she may not be the same person she was, I see a zeal in her to move forward in her life and no detection at all of wanting to work on marriage. Should I wait longer in case she does change? I guess I could. It's a personal choice though isn't it.

By going on a 'date' tonight, if that's what it is (still unsure) I am not saying never ever to R with W somewhere down the line. W has plastered pictures of herself on a dating site. She is being egged on to meet people. I am not doing this as a contest. I didn't plan on it. Amazingly it seems this girl has pursued me to some degree. I suppose I'm saying I am trying to move on, live my life, and not live it in a way where I'm worried what W might say it do.

The flip side of above is that I feel if things did go well tonight I am ready to see where they might lead...albeit slowly, but I'm ready. I'm not testing the waters, I'm ready. I would never hurt anyone intentionally, and so wouldnt progress with a new R unless I felt ready. I plan to only mention my sitch very briefly (gonna focus on having fun) but I will be honest in what I say

Sorry for the meandering post. Written from mobile. It's difficult, even with my long posts, to accurately convey all my thoughts and feelings here. I try my best. I feel in my heart that I am doing something positive for me now. I don't know where it will go, if anywhere, but I'm curious to live it and find out.