You're a smart chick, and more intuitive than the average bear. You're taking this kind of introspection in a way that I think will help you in the future.
You realize that you're not responsible for your H's inferiority complex? Nor are you required to make yourself look less successful so that he feels better about his own path?
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I think this was another slow poisoner of our marriage. He always felt a bit like the junior partner although I certainly didn't see him that way.
I don't think that this was your job to take on. It was up to *him* to take more of an active partnership role in your M. It was up to *him* to let you know that he felt less than. Had he done that, I'm sure you would have listened and attempted to restructure things so that he could get what he needed.
It's a classic example of a P/A person. They don't speak up for themselves. They don't share feelings. They aren't authentic in their communications. And it isn't your fault that he didn't tell you. Sure, we could have sensed there was a problem and offered a solution. But that's looking in the rear view mirror and is about as helpful as waving a stick we believe is a magic wand.
If he--or anyone else, for that matter--feels "less than", it's *their* responsibility to tackle the issue. They can ask for support, but they need to learn to do this solo. And if it's us that feels inferior, we have to ask ourselves why we feel that way. Is it because someone else belittles us? Is it because we have low expectations of ourselves in the achievement department? Is it conditioning from our family of origin? Or is it our crappy belief system that feeds our negative self image?
You're a pretty enlightened person. I doubt sincerely that you'll choose someone like your H down the road. I have some red flags that become apparent right off the bat when I meet someone. The biggest? If I share some difficulties and they try to fix me or the situation. I will tell the guy, "Look, I just need support. I'm not broken, and I don't want you to fix me or my troubles. Does that make sense?" If they back off, it's fine. But more often than not, they just can't resist. I know it's a thing for our men to want to see us happy and to offer assistance. But when we communicate what we want from them, I think it's fair to expect results. I broke up with someone for continually trying to fix me. I hate it.
That becomes my big flag because they aren't seeing my communication as authentic enough to change their own. I won't put up with that any more. I'd have put up with my XH if he had stayed married to me. I'd have seen that as a work in process. But I won't do it with someone new. It's a deal breaker.
You'll find your own red flags. And somehow, I know you'll honor yourself first.
You're doing a great job, raliced.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
