Everything seems to be going well this week. The W and I have been very cordial towards one another and we have been spending actual quality time lying in bed, laying on the couch, eating dinner while talking to each other. Don't get me wrong, I have not made myself overly available or attempted to pursue my W. It's just that when we have been in those situations, we have had some very good conversations.
I re-read some of my previous posts and wanted to clarify myself a bit. I realize that I cannot change my W. The only person I can control is myself. That is why I feel as though I have been a bit overly harsh upon myself, especially when doing some self reflection. The thoughts and words I have described myself as seem to have been more abrasive than what I am in reality, if that makes any sense.
I questioned why I may have done this and I think I arrived at that answer. I have focused only on what I brought to the marriage as these are things that I can control. These are the things that I can change. The way that I react to situations are things that I can control. Again, why be upset that my wife did not help with the dishes or housework? Sure, I would love for help, but rather than simply ask for help, I would do the housework and resentment would build. Why be upset when my wife would never talk about her feelings? I always enjoyed talking about our feelings, but after we had our first son, my wife, while dealing with post-partum depression, simply quit doing this. She emotionally detached. Why allow that to affect me? My feelings for her did not change, why not just tell her how I felt and be done with it. I control me.
Why get upset when my W would check out from wanting to do anything with our family? I could still take our kids for a walk by myself. Why try to hold that against her?
In terms of GALing, I have been doing things with my kids. I have always been involved with working out and continue to do so. I have planned a man trip with my buddies this summer. We have also planned to go watch a football game this fall.
You know, one thing I have quickly noticed here, is that the gift of time is awesome. It allows us to focus on what we can do to become a better partner. I really believed, a few days after the BD, that my W was crazy for telling me that she was no longer in love with me. I mean, I did all of this for our family and allowed her to go to school. How could she abandon ship? Well, I hit myself with a 2x4 and realized that maybe I was allowing her to abandon ship because I was not that enjoyable partner that she wanted, that she needed, that she feel in love with.
Sure, she has her faults, but there is nobody on this earth without faults. In the end, if our M does not make it, it won't be because I have not done everything necessary to make myself a better partner.
Again, so far everything has been going well. We have had some very good conversations. Nothing about the R or M, but just talked about her job, my job, kids, the future, things that happily married people talk about.
I hate to see all of the hurt that people have around here. Trust me, I understand exactly how it feels. Again, we have the gift of time here. We have the opportunity to make ourselves better people. Many people never get the chance to improve themselves. There are plenty of really 'bad' people that remain married their entire lives, while there are 'great' people that are divorced multiple times. We have the chance, at this point, to make ourselves better partners. We have the chance to make ourselves better people.
What we do with this time is our decision to make. Will we use it to improve ourselves? Make us irresistible? Or will we waste this time focusing on trying to change that 'other' person? Waste this time trying to worry about everything else that 'other' person is doing?
I say we focus on ourselves. It is hard, trust me, I know, but that is the only thing that we are in control of. Ourselves.
M: 6 years, together 11 M: 31 W: 30 D 2, S 4 BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
