hold on! - 9

[u-turn]

Thanks for the questions V. I don't get a lot of questions here and I find it easier to answer questions than to tell my story. (I will likely answer these in 2 posts - might get long winded)

I have not read Codependent No More - haven't even heard of the word before all of this mess, but doing some research early in my situation I discovered (when I was ready to take the blame for everything) that many aspects of codependency describes me. I have not read much about it in a long time - this is a book that I think I will pick up to learn more.

It is amazing that you picked up on me judging myself in a much harsher manner than everyone else (IC did the same). I have spent much of my life proving myself to everyone (my parents, W, kids, peers) and it still left me feeling like I was not doing enough.

Background information:
I have two careers - architect and teacher. I did not take a normal path to get to either of these careers and work along side people that have taken all of the normal proper steps. It was a long road, but I was self taught, mentored, worked internships, bit off more than I could chew most of the time, but achieved my goal of becoming a licensed architect - but did not go to school for this. I worked my way into managing others with higher qualifications than what I had. This sounds like a dream, but in my head I doubted myself the entire time and thought I was just fooling everyone. I started my own firm where I didn't have to prove myself to others as much but had to sell myself to clients that didn't really care about what school I went to - only that I was good - this worked for me.

Economy sank - had to find more income - local school system asked me to fill in teaching some classes. I fearfully agreed. Self taught again - With some long hours and help from some people, I became a licensed teacher, but again teach along side some that think this is not beneficial for the students. I have to prove myself at school too.

I am not complaining about any of this - this is the path that I have taken and I am thankful for all of the opportunities.

I still like my work (still love to be an architect) But find it hard to find that love and not focus on the entire package life that I had.

I will finish this later
Thanks again