My First Break, Light Shines Yonder

[Pyrite]

Thanks Zeus.

I know you're learning a lot. The fact that you're deliberating on your replies, not doing it reactively, are trying to steer your ship off of character, not burning bridges...those are great starts. But ultimately you want to save your M. That is the goal that matters. Until that happens you have to continue to learn and grow, and that requires humility.

PS- I love your participation in the boards. Keep posting, and relax. This is a marathon, you can't win today.

There is a lot I could reply to but I am a bit lost right now. I am actually sitting on my daughters bed. 3 nights in a row now she just cries in the middle of the night. She is back to sleep now, but I want to be here if she wakes up again. I would sleep with her (as is very common - but it only early here)

I feel I should tell you more about what I have learned about myself over the last few weeks. But this is still a work in progress. I have glossed over external results of those things, which I know I need to put in place OR things which have helped me to "Achieve" certain things. This is perhaps what gives the impression that I think I have actually achieved these things. But this absolutely untrue. I am still a mess. I spent the last 3 hours of last nights sleep wide awake. Ranging from giving my wife my my "blessing" to leave TO wording my one liner to show her how much she has hurt me and how much I hate her.

When I have the girls, the fist thing I have in the morning is 1-2 hours with the little one (early riser). She melts my heart. Then D4 comes a racing into my arms. Off weeks is another story though. D4 has been more and more ...."vocal" about restoring M and family .

I get a lot out of being here. Posting, reading and even getting 2*4'ed. I even (can) appreciate Mr Bond's criticisms. Just at times I feel he is overboard. Sometimes he is right, I admit that, but sometimes he seems to be missing the context comments were even made in.

I have learnt so much in the short time I have been here. I sense skepticism form pretty much everybody, but I really have. i'll talk more about this another time. I have changed my behaviour. I'm sure people around me have noticed. I have noticed. And I dont see myself falling away from this and back into old habits (I hope), but it still feels .....empty.